it's ok ; lin yanjun

2

"xiaohong, i cut again." i heard his voice.

my heart dropped so low. i thought he stopped? i must be hearing things, right? its only 3 am. also, he promised me he'd stop.

"yanjun, are you ok?" i questioned, my voice quivering slightly.

"no, im not. i saw her in my dreams again, she texted me too, she posted a picture of her and her new boyfriend on instagram. i couldnt take it anymore. i- i cut." he burst into tears.

*image — yanjun*

i opened it, and burst out into loud sobs. "i thought you stopped! yanjun! you cant keep hurting yourself because of her! please get over her... i cant bear to see you hurt..." i threw the phone down onto my bed and cried.

"im sorry xiaohong, i really am. but i- i just cant alright, she- she's too important." i heard from the receiver.

"i'll call you back," i put down the call and buried my face into my palms. why cant he just understand that there are people around him that care for him? he still had me even if there was no one there! that girl was not and was never there for him!

is it that hard to get over her?

i shook my head. no, im not yanjun, ill never understand his feelings. i dried my tears and stood up.

i wore my jacket and headed to his house. i stood outside his doorstep and wondered how i was going to talk to him.

i slowly unlocked the door and stepped in, only to find red-eyed yanjun sitting on the floor, his arms red with blood and slits. he looked up to see me and lowered his head.

i burst out into tears and slid down to the floor. "please stop, i beg you..." i cried harder, and more. he just did not reply me.

i wiped off my tears and made my way over to him. there were so many cuts i didnt even know what to do.

"ill get the disinfectants, just stay where you are." i muttered out. i rose from the floor and went to his kitchen and grabbed the first-aid kit.

i sat down next to him and pulled out the disinfectant. i cleansed his wounds and he winced, i felt my heart swell so bad i wanted to cry again.

"why?" i asked in a small voice. i felt him lift his head slightly before he replied, "i had no other choice."

i looked up at him with slight anger in my eyes and replied "you could have talked to me!"

he retorted "you only care about your studies and your little boyfriend." he looked down at the floor again.

what boyfriend? i was about to continue before i heard him say, "i only contacted you because she didnt pick up."

"who the fuck is 'she'? i told you to let go of her and yet youre still here calling her? lin yanjun, am i really nothing to you? am i less important than her? huh?" i grew mad.

"maybe if you cared less about your grades and your boyfriend then i would have looked for you!" he looked straight into my eyes.

"i dont even have a fucking boyfriend yanjun! i care so much for you and here youre saying that i care more about useless things than you? you are the useless one! sticking up to her even though she doesnt need you anymore!"

he pulled his arm back from my palms sharply. "i dont need your care, xiaohong." he spat out my name. "get out of my house."

i grabbed him but he just walked away.

i fucked up big time.