it's ok ; lin yanjun

3

dear diary,

it has been the seventh day since yanjun has been ignoring me. i see him in school, and he walks right past me. he has been wearing long sleeves every day. is he still cutting? he has been hanging out with that girl again. he really wont listen to me, will he? why did he say i had a boyfriend? is it because i have been hanging out with xukun? i just hope we still can be friends. i love him so much.

— 洪

i closed the thick book of secrets. these days i have been losing sleep and growing skinnier. it's all because of yanjun. i've been fretting so much about his self-harming i didnt even have time to care about myself.

i shook my head and stood up. if i wanted to fix this friendship, i would have to do this face to face. i grabbed my phone and left the house in a cab.

on the car, my leg was shaking. what was i going to say to him. say im sorry? but for what? i did nothing wrong! he should be the one apologising! then what should i say?

by the time i was finished worrying, the cab had already reached yanjun's house. i got off and there he was in a distance, body facing my direction. i waved excitedly at him and shouted, "yanjun!"

however, he just turned away and walked off. my hand dropped back down to my side and my smile had long faded. how in the world was i supposed to know he would ignore me?

did he hate me that much?

what should i do? the nearest train station and bus station is at least a good 20 minutes away, it was already evening. i lived about 30 minutes away from him, how was i going to find a cab at this time?

so, i decided to wait for him. "he should be coming back soon, it's already so late." i mumbled under my breath. i walked to his door and sat on the steps. the evening winds were starting to blow, and it was getting chilly.

sitting in my thin white blouse and shorts, i shivered and pulled my legs closer to my body. i hope he comes back soon.

a long time had passed, and still no sign of him. i checked my watch, 8pm, it had been one hour and no sign of him. the sun was starting to set and i had to go home soon. but still no sign of him.

9pm, my phone had run low on battery and shut down. the night gusts of wind was starting to bite into my skin.

10pm, i was getting sleepier and was starting to doze off ; my hands had numbed due to the cold.

10.30pm was the last time i checked before i closed my eyes and fell asleep on his doorstep, body shivering from time to time.

when i woke up, i was already in someone's home. i sat up abruptly and the blanket which was on me fell to the carpeted ground with a soft thud.

i was in yanjun's house. he had brought me in.

tears brimmed in my eyes and i started to sob. i was really sorry to him. if i had cared more about his feelings and listened to him more, he wouldnt be cutting or ignoring me. i really was very sorry to him.

in the midst of crying, i heard small thuds of footsteps and it stopped. i turned towards the sound,

it was yanjun.