Long Way Home

Part 1: Sundance Resort

About Me
I make A's and high B's in school — I've gotten 2 raises at work and the managers like me — my chores are to vacuum Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and to take stuff on the stairs up and put it away; I vacuum Monday and Wednesday but on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I work so I don't usually vacuum; the parents get upset about that — I'm really close to my siblings, they all hang out with me; I'm closest to my youngest [whole] brother because I basically raised him; he kept getting in trouble the week before my attempt and when I stood up for him they turned on me and I got chewed out — recently I've been getting in trouble a lot; for "doing whatever I want" and "not following the rules" even though I am following the rules; im doing the best I can but it's not enough, it's never enough — I have a "box of good" with coping skills and stuff like self harm alternatives, crisis line numbers, and reasons not to kill myself — before I attempted I came up with reasons it would be okay if I did.
Day of Overdose
On Monday, the day of my overdose, I didn't go to class because I was too sad. I was texting the crisis line when my friend messaged me and told me she was getting hospitalized because she had tried to kill herself the night before. For some reaseon I took that really personally, like I knew not many others needed me but I thought she did. I was like "I'm not enough for you, I'm not enough for anyone" and she asked me to stay. I was then like "oh that's rich coming from you Sarah" and I told her to "leave me alone". I was so mean for some reason, but after that I couldn't stop, I took the Tylenol and I started cutting and I got upset because I couldn't hit a vein no matter how hard I tried. I woke up a couple hours later when my brother came in and asked me if I was okay and why I hadn't left my closet all day. That was a snap back to reality, I realized if I had been successful he would have been the one to find me. That scared me a lot so I told my therapist and she told me to tell my parents which I eventually did.
About After Sexual Assault
My ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me. It was just coercion (not like rape or anything) but it still really affected me to the point where I slept in my closet and would have panic attacks when guys would touch me or small things like that. My anxiety was bad; I got scared a lot and sometimes it was hard to leave my room because of it. Finding a new church was hard because I met him at church and the church wouldn't do anything about it. When I asked the parents to help me talk to the church to get something done they didn't do anything either. They didn't want to. Dad was saying I should string up my ex "for something he did under the influence of hormones." As if he thought it was okay what he made me do. And my step mom was saying "I don't understand like why not just get out of the car" or why not just leave and call them or something. I gave up after that because they didn't care.
Dad said it wasn't a trauma. Dad said I made a bad choice but it was both of our decision and I don't want to face it I just want to make everyone hurt.
Rant? I Guess
The only thing I regret about my attempt is that it didn't work. I randomly get the urge to cry and I'm also just so angry that it didn't work sometimes. I really don't want to go home. It's bad at home. And the people in the hospital act like that's my fault. They act like I'm a rebellious teen and that's why I get in trouble, but it's not true. I was the good kid, I don't know when that changed for the parents.
After Visitation (w/ Dad)
I guess it's my fault. I "made a shit ass decision that I don't want to deal with [with Josh]" nothing led me to do this because everything is fine so I did this because I want everyone else to be as miserable as me. Great. He's "doing everything he can." I "refuse to take responsibility for my actions." I "blame everyone else."
I wish it would've fucking worked. I don't want to go back home. They think I'm the one doing things wrong, that here in the hospital I'm just playing the system. I'm over it. If that's what I have to go home to I will find a way to fucking kill myself.
To Parents About Overdose
Dad, Mom, Christi, about my overdose
You should have done more to show you honestly care about me but you blame everything on me like it's my fault. Even the Josh thing.
My overdose was because I was depressed. I hate how it is at the house. I felt so hopeless and I am tired of being here.
I did not overdose for attention or because I refuse to take responsibility or whatever else wack ass excuse you want to make up.
I have been through trauma whether or not you admit it.
Phone Calls
I got to talk to Scarlett today. I cried a lot. I'm kind of upset because the parents are talking like they aren't gonna let me see her without one of them there. Dad is rude so I just shut down to protect myself.