This Is Our Love Story

12: Could I Say Goodbye?

I lay on my back and stare up at my ceiling. Can't I just live a normal life for once? I let out a breath and turn on my side. My eyes catch the red tint of the numbers on my alarm clock. 

It's 3:00 am for Christ's sake! I groan and pinch the bridge of my nose. Who knew sleeping with something on your mind would be so difficult? I flip back over and close my eyes this time. 

I just wish I would've never fallen in love with his stupid face! Then we wouldn't be in this situation! I wish I'd never seen him in a romantic way! Wouldn't the world be so much better like that?

I stare at Liam from across the room. His eyes are burning with frustration as he tries to multiply. I smile and lean in on my hand. He's so cute... and dreamy... and

"Miss Carson? Did you hear me? I asked you a question." I snapped out of my daydream as my teacher claps her hands in front of me. I clumsily turn towards her. 

"Sorry... but may you r-repeat it?" I stammer. She shakes her head and sighs. 

"Who would you like to be partnered up with?" She asks. 

Now, if I didn't like Liam I could've gone with him and had a grand time. But no. I was such a chicken that I picked Brigit to be my partner. This is where I summoned the devil herself to be a part of my life. 

"You're doing it wrong again!" I exclaim. Brigit shies away from the block tower and her hands seem to tremble.

"I-I'm sorry." She stutters. I shake my head and sigh. 

"It's alright I just want us to beat all those loser boys." I nudge her lightly with my elbow. A smile erupts on her face and I feel a warm feeling inside. 

"Yeah." She giggles. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fast forward all the happy memories I had with Brigit. It was her, Kat, and I there for a while until she missed about 3 months of school and came back a completely new person. I open my eyes slowly and sit up. 

"I wonder what Marcus is up to," I say aloud. I shrug and get out of bed. I pad over to my door and carefully crack it open. I then close it behind me and start towards the stairs. 

"I don't fucking care if you didn't realize!" I stop dead in my tracks as I hear Marcus' voice. I furrow my brows. What the hell was he yelling about?

"No! Don't ever think about her again! It's not your place! I don't even want you to look at her! In fact, if we even do still hang out after this, we're going over to your place! I don't want you near her.  She's already gone through so much and you just added fucking icing to the cake!" Liam bellows. I tilt my head. What in tarnation? Just go downstairs, Mable. Forget you ever heard this. Just head downstairs and watch some Disney or something. 

"No! You are not coming over! If you do I will literally beat the shit out of you!" That's when I trot down the stairs because I'm afraid if I hear any more I'll convince myself that Marcus is part of the Italian mafia or something. I head into the kitchen and rummage through the cabinets for something to eat. I'm about to grab hold of a box of crackers when I hear the front door slam. My heart jumps into my throat and I try to swallow it down. 

"What the hell?" I whisper and feel my body start to shake. My heart thumps loudly in my chest and I grab a spatula. 

It was the nearest thing I could see. 

I walk through the kitchen to the living room. I stare at the front door down like it could attack me at any given moment. I stand still for about 5 minutes before I realize it's a door and it can't do anything. 

"I must be going crazy." I sigh and shake my head. I laugh at myself as I walk back into the kitchen. Silly me. Going crazy for no real good reason. I grab my crackers and some peanut butter. I turn on my heel and head towards the living room. 

I'm thinking either Lion King, Beauty and the Beat, or the Little Mermaid. I sigh as I sit down. Literally, all of these will make me cry. Well, I already feel like crying, so it won't make much of a difference. I swallow and lean back into the couch. I wish I could just sink into the soft cushion and disappear. The world would be a lot better if I could just do that. I close my eyes and suck in a breath. Liam and Kat would probably still be friends. Liam would most definitely be with Brigit. I just wouldn't be there. I squeeze my arm again and I feel a tear sting my eye. 

Great, I'm not even watching a movie so what excuse do I have to be crying? I smile sadly and open my eyes. I chuckle and shake my head. 

You shouldn't be smiling. Not at a time like this. You ruined everything great you had in your life! You fucking bitch! Liam will never look at you with those eyes again! He won't smile at you! He won't talk to you! You fucking ruined everything! You whore! You-

"Stop!" I cry out. I grab my head as tears fall quicker down my cheeks. "Stop filling my head with snakes!" I grip my hair and double over.

They aren't snakes. They're the truth.

The tears won't stop now. Snot is coming out of my nose and rests on my upper lip. Tears fall onto my thigh as I sit there, crying. 

You look ridiculous. Crying out in the open like this. You couldn't even cut open your skin because you chickened out! Such a disappointment. 

My eyes widen and the tears come even quicker. I clench my fist and squeeze my eyes shut. Shit. I'm right. I need to go upstairs. I need to fix this. It's all my fault. Why the hell did I yell at Liam? Why did I ruin everything? My conscious was also right in saying that I didn't even have enough courage to cut deep into my pathetic skin. 

I open the drawer next to me and push around the objects that lay forgotten with my fingers. I then feel a sharp pain course through my middle finger. A sad smile forms on my chapped lips. I grab the razor and quickly put it in my other hand. I then stick my finger in my mouth and suck on it. This is what I had to do. I had to do it. There was no other choice. This is my fault. I equip the razor in my hand and stare down at my mangled wrist. The word love is marked out with scar after scar. The word hope is scratched out. I suck in a breath and bring the razor to my wrist. I feel it break the first layer of skin and squeeze my eyes shut. 

"Love can always find a way if you let it." Liam smiles at me. 

"I'll always be here for you." Kat grabs my wrist and grins widely at me. 

"Don't ever give up on yourself, you're worth so much more than you think." Calum nudges me with that stupid smirk of his. 

"I love you May. Don't you dare ever forget that. You're my little sister. Not adopted. You belong here. You are a part of this family. A part of me." Marcus wraps me in his warm arms. 

I drop the razor as a tear falls on my wrist. It cools the scars that cover it. Suddenly my heart is filled with love and hope. So much of it tears fall more rapidly. 

I climb the stairs one by one. I lock my jaw and watch the pictures on the wall slowly end up with me in them. I get to the top step and turn towards my room. I head over towards my door, but Marcus' door opens before I can escape. 

Get in your room.

"Hey what are you doing out of bed? It's pretty late." Marcus smiles at me. I shiver with the pain of memories. None of them good. 

"I was going to watch a movie, but decided against it." I look away from him. 

"Oh really? Would you like to go watch one right now? I can't sleep." Marcus chuckles and I can tell a smile is on his face. 

"No. You go on ahead though." I peek at him through the corner of my eyes and see his face fall. 

"Right. Sorry. Goodnight." He whispers. 

"Goodbye," I whisper and head into my room so he can't say anything else. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper to myself. "I'm sorry I couldn't be a better little sister. Goodbye Marcus. Goodbye Kat. Goodbye Calum. Goodbye Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye-"  My words hitch and I fall to my knees. "G-goodbye Liam."