I Can't Make You Love Me (Justin Bieber Fanfiction) (BWWM)

chapter 1

I dragged the cigarette from my lips. Blowing the nicotine out of my nose. I rubbed my temples as thoughts of Selena surfaced. That's where everyone was, inside having a good time, having fun. Where I personally couldn't stomach the way Justin treated his 'princess'. I flicked the ashes off the end of the cigarette, following them as they fell to the ground.

I wait for people to walk away, that's what everyone eventually does; leave. I was the only one trying to salvage what's left. I am so fucking tired of apologizing first, being someone's second choice. I was pathetically nice by default, I swear I had the word pushover written in all cap letters on my forehead, and I couldn't advocate for myself, so naïve and trusting in people that I was inept of letting people know how I felt. I am terrified of rejection, cowered at the thought of the infamous no.

I especially hated confrontation, I hated to make others feel uncomfortable or to make them feel ashamed. I was just scared it would give them a reason to leave me.

It hurt. Looking at him, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But I didn't care. I wanted him. Needed him, he made everything okay. He was my support, my best friend. He did love me in his own way. That's what I told myself.

Justin couldn't see how much I adored him. I wondered what would've happened if I didn't befriend the lonesome person I saw beneath his false bravado, I knew that look; it was the same persona I had put on as well. I told myself repeatedly that I couldn't fall for him, but the more I talked to him, the more I was around him, the deeper I fell, no one to catch me. I was never good at hiding my feelings. I suppressed any emotional feeling, tried to, but I wore my heart on my sleeves.

The laughter inside broke my train of thought.

I inhaled the smoke and blew it up in the air and watched the cloud dissipate.

Justin wouldn't let himself fall deep again, whereas I had plummeted down the rabbit hole not knowing which way is up.

I hated feeling lonely. I didn't want to end up by myself. Somehow I formed walls of hesitancy; they halted me from pursuing what I wanted. I just wanted to be okay again, I wasn't truly happy, but I wanted to be myself again.

I was hesitant in becoming his friend as we got older. I wanted to produce my own name, make my own reputation. I didn't want to leach off of his earned success like some people; I didn't want his huge platform of fans to automatically know who I was because I associated with him. I wanted to know that I could do it by myself. I had to do it on my own; I wanted to prove myself wrong. Especially without the media knowing he was my friend. Not only did I have to deal with his shadow but also my mother's.

Ten years ago, I didn't know if I regretted meeting him. After, he had always been a part of my life; the name Justin Bieber was always familiar. For some reason, this wide-eyed white boy from Canada always found a way to be relevant. I was only nine; I didn't understand what he was doing in my dad's studio at the time. All I knew was that I'd seen the most beautiful boy singing. He had been really close with my parents as I was close with his family, especially Patty who babysat me for as long as I could remember.

Justin was part of an embarrassing juncture in my life. This was one of the factors of why I was so reluctant in becoming his friend. I had a fucking crush on him since I was nine. It was as real as it got. Justin wasn't like other men his age, he is extremely sensitive. We both had sensitive skin underneath a defensive barrier.

His defense mechanism was being extremely cocky with a false sense of bravado, while mine was humor.

I laughed to myself.

I watched the end of the cig change colors from red to orange to gold.

Justin was; no, is dangerous. He made me feel and think. He made me want a future that I couldn't have with him. He is so easy to love, so easy to like. Justin is the type of person to spend forever with, a best friend, a confidant, someone who is loyal, trustworthy, someone you feel a rush with but at the same time you feel safe, protected. I marked myself unattainable of love a long time ago; we accept the love we think we deserve.