I Can't Make You Love Me (Justin Bieber Fanfiction) (BWWM)

chapter 12

I stared at the ceiling trying to feel any physical attachment. So, I wouldn't drift away. These moments where timed slowed and reality came crashing through, there was an odd level of serene clarity. In these moments, I could escape. I analyze my whole life. I was thinking too seriously. I didn't want to go away today. I was better. I could get better. I missed her but I had to accept that she was never coming back.

It's weird when you mourn someone who is lost. Literally. I pray she is alive somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe she was on island somewhere. Eating pineapples, soaking up the sun, missing me. I confused the feeling of false hope with my instincts. I knew I was wrong. I knew she was dead. Maybe seeing her body would heal the closure I desperately sought.

We spent so long looking for her we just assumed. I was mad, angry. No one could survive that plane crash.

We were never religious. Did someone from heaven protect her? Where is she? The question that lingers in the depths of my doubts. I look for her. Search for her. Maybe I would see her in a crowd of faces.

I see her in the mirror, every day. It's the shattering feeling.

She is the unsolved case, filed away on the top dusty shelf, the bind is breaking, its untouched. The evidence points to all but one plausible answer.

She was missing, lost, gone?

What if she didn't want to be found?

I miss my mother every day, I desperately wanted to say one last goodbye. I wiped the tear from the edge of the crease of my eye, the single water drop held the memories I wish I could replay as if it were my favorite movie. In ways, she was.

I would pretend she was still here. It was easy too. Sometimes I forget. The pain I have harbored, what I want more than nothing to smell her again. Her scent was comforting.

I turned to see Justin sleeping, lightly breathing through his nose. He was still gone to the world, in his own place.

I wish I had the privilege to sleep soundless, I was restless all night. Guilt eating me away. Pain encircling and weighing down on my chest. I felt time stop. I just didn't care.

I wanted to avoid the whole shit show that would be inevitable today; it felt different this time. It was because I had Justin.

I hated that my happiness was conditional. He was the sole cause of my smile somedays. I was generally happy when I was with him. I would give him anything and everything.

He was my rock at this point.

He brought out the good in me. I felt at ease as I thought about the reality, he brought me back. I was his balloon and he had me tied around his wrist. I'd drift away too far he would always tide me back in. He would embrace with his strong arms, a place where I call home.

He was my home. These sudden realizations made me want to distant myself. I was tired of being the victim. Of sitting around and being miserable. If I wanted Justin, if he made me feel good. If I loved being around him, why did I have to punish myself. I didn't have to hide anymore. I don't have to protect myself from him.

I trusted him. It was such a baring moment. I was so vulnerable. I had to realize that was a strength of mine. My ability to feel is not a weakness. I was so much better for recognizing these emotions. Instead of bottling it up and waiting for it all to explode.

I didn't have to cause myself hurt just because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't have to deny myself from happiness anymore.

I turned on to my side to face Justin. He lightly snored and his nostrils breathed into the cotton pillow. He snuggled in closer into the bed as if he were to sink through the mattress. As if he knew I was watching him sleep he turned his back towards me.