I Can't Make You Love Me (Justin Bieber Fanfiction) (BWWM)

chapter 4

"Have you tried taking some time away from Justin", Dr. Hall suggested.

I scoff at the thought of taking a break from Justin.

"How long is this said break", l imagined the look on Justin's face when I'd would have to tell him that I could no longer see him because my shrink said so.

"A week, maybe two", he wrote something down on his notebook.

I didn't want to be away from him that long; I didn't think that was possible. I scoff at the idea.

"Justin and I are family; I'm always talking to him whether through text, call, video chat. He is really clingy and so am I, but like I said we bonded when we both needed someone", I explained.

"You need to try",

I swallow, he is so robotic sometimes.

"How can I tell him without getting suspicious? We talk every day; if I ignore him he will be concerned, he will show up at my house". 

"I haven't even told him about you",

Dr. Hall looked confused.

"That I'm seeing a therapist. He doesn't know, and I'm scared to tell him that I'm crazy and I need help", I spilled.

I needed to tell Justin how I felt, that is why I am seeking help.

"Well if he doesn't know, how do you expect to repair your relationship with him?"

"I was hoping you could do it. That is why I came here you know?" I deflected the conversation by using the only defense mechanism I knew: humor.

Dr. Hall shook his head.

"Sasha sooner or later you will have to tell Justin how you feel about him. In order for you to move on you have to get some type of closure", he wrote in his book again.

"I just don't want him to think of me differently. I haven't told anyone that I'm seeing a therapist", I lean back on the couch.

Why is this so complicated, why did I have to like him in the first place?

"Sasha, he is not worth it if he thinks of you differently", I nodded my head.

"You told me earlier that you've been drinking, a lot", I nodded my head again.

"Wine is good for the heart, or so I've heard", my facetious answer prompted him to raise an eyebrow.

"It's not what you think Doc, I drink by myself, I drink at dinner, or I drink in small gatherings. I drink and others don't notice. I wallow in my drunken sorrow and think about how my life is. Sometimes I contemplate about how much easier it would be if I died with my mom. How much easier it would be if I disappeared", I sarcastically admitted.

"Mhmm, why do you want to disappear?"

"Have you ever felt you weren't good enough? No matter how much you tried that you will just never be as good as the person he wants. So you compare yourself to the person he thinks has the sun shining out of their ass. When you realize that no matter what you do, he will never be in love with you. Never want you. Never kiss you. Never reciprocate the love you have developed for him. Let's say you do tell this person how you feel. There are so many different scenarios this situation could end in but you know the true end result would be that the most important person in your life will distance himself away from you. That would be the last thing you wanted, to be without him; so you settle and you watch the love of your life love someone else because you were doing what you thought was best for him. You know he would never feel the same way as you. Well, for one, you're different than all of his other girlfriends meaning you're black. Two, he treats you like a sister. Three, he is still in love with someone else. While you feel like shit, he is happy and you're happy but it's bitter-sweet because even though you've tried to move on you still feel like he is the best thing that has ever happened to you. So disappearing would be the best option because if you can't be with the one you love. It hurts so damn much so maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I couldn't feel", I took a breath.