Defiance

I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping, bright sunlight stinging in my eyes. I shall mark this day, the day I finally gave up. I stretch and scratch myself, today seems just like any other day except, the constant feeling of failure, it cuts right through me.  

I change and put on my joggers, they are tight and cramped, I seldom wear them for the shoes to be loose. I go outside and slightly jog towards the park near my rest house. The park is illuminated and isolated, it's one of the many reasons I'm so fond of it. No people, no darkness, just fresh air and dazzling sun-rays. 

I sit on the wooden bench which I have become so familiar with over the past week, it is still damp from yesterday's rain. Yesterday, I shall mark that day too, the day everything changed...

***

All my life I have carried wounds, wounds that always remained open, never given the chance to close and form scars. I never felt like cutting myself or self-harming, I knew it wouldn't do any good, in fact it would just put me in more pain, I wanted to get rid of it, not feel more of it.  

I was brought up in a society where I would be greeted with rigorous comments about my appearance, too short, too fat, too ugly. I would spend hours, crying, pitying who I was, I was heading towards darkness or maybe I had already reached it. Every man has a breaking point and soon came mine. 

I grew up, I became wiser, stronger. I just decided to say "no" and tell them how I had had enough of it all, the perpetual bullying, the constant nagging, everything. I realized things needed to change. 

I started writing articles, sometimes stories inspired by what happened to me. They got published one by one by a local newspaper, the response I got was incredible, I was on a roll. I used to write anonymously, until I realized, I had nothing to be afraid of, society couldn't shut me even if it wanted to do so.

The day my article was published with my name, things changed drastically. My parents held an intervention for me. They called me crazy, they told me I needed to relax, I couldn't, I told them they were mistaken, that they were wrong but when do parents actually listen? and so they sent me here, a place surrounded by green hills, covered with flamboyantly coloured flowers. 

It wasn't until yesterday that I decided to actually get outside of the house to enjoy the scenery  rather than due to the lack of fresh air I was in taking. It was raining, heavily and what a joyous sight it was indeed. For the first time, I was comfortable in my own shell, I finally felt what it was like being accepted, maybe not by others but by my own-self. 

I sat on the very bench I am sitting on right now, so welcoming and so lonely, longing for someone to share the beautiful landscape with. I remember just staring at the hills, one hill in particular, one with steep edges. 

***

I have done everything I could, from writing articles on how to accept yourself, to how to horrid society was and is. I have fulfilled what I wanted to fulfill, the truth is out now and I don't think I can go further, people will think I'm just going insane but I know I'm not, I know what they want me to be isn't the only way I have to be, I can be me. 

I get up from the bench and touch it, it's warm now. I kiss it goodbye, I will miss it indeed, the only thing that understood me. The only thing that could match my loneliness. The battle I am fighting is for me to fight alone and I am done, maybe even a little content. 

I run towards the steep edged hill, I run, I run, I run. I finally reach the top and take a moment to breathe. I walk towards the edge, just an inch away from death, just an inch away from freedom. I am not doing this to stop the harsh comments from salting my wounds again and again and again. I am doing this because I am afraid, afraid of dying as a docile citizen of this society.

One last act of defiance, it is a pity I didn't get to mark these days, oh well, my last article will have to do, my suicide note. I take a deep breath, what I am doing isn't wrong, I am doing this to teach a lesson, a valuable one. 

I count, 1, 2, 3... I jump, perhaps they'll listen now, perhaps they'll think I was right now, perhaps they'll finally accept who I was. I don't know how I'll land, with tree branches catching me or the ground becoming a deathbed for me. I will know in a minute.