The Ferris Wheel

5

I had the dream again last night, only it was unlike the others.

It was the same scenario as always: my girlfriend and I walking along Navy Pier together and riding the ferris wheel and watching the sunset. Only this time the girl was someone I already knew. Not just a random blank face of some girl I've never met. This girl was sweet and considerate and kind, and I'd never looked at her in a light like this before.

The girl was Mackenzie.

***

I wake up confused and disoriented, my bedsheets strewn all over my bed and in a pile at my feet. I don't know I feel.

I've always seen Mack as a friend and only a friend, but now I'm just confused.

I spend the morning and most of the afternoon walking around my neighborhood and thinking about my feelings. I've never contemplated anything this long since the great Edward or Jacob debate of the Twilight series.

Mack was still asleep when I got up this morning, so I left her a note on the door and went on my way. I get a text from her: hey jess!!! wanna get coffee?

A 1 p.m. Dunkin run sounds exactly what I need right now. I text back: yeah! i'm on a walk rn. gimme five minutes.

I have to wrap up my thoughts in five minutes. Or at least calm them down. As I get closer and closer to our apartment, I think more and more about what it would be like to date Mackenzie. To kiss Mackenzie. To hold hands with Mackenzie.

My stomach flops and my heartbeat quickens, but I don't let it get to me. Be rational, I think. Did she ever show interest in you? Could this actually go somewhere? You live together. Would that complicate things?

I find myself lost in an endless maze of unanswerable "what-ifs," and suddenly I'm standing in the lobby of our apartment complex.

i'm in the lobby, I text Mack, hoping to buy myself some more time to gather my thoughts.

on my way down! she responds, quickly and efficiently like always.

I loiter in the lobby on my phone for a few moments until I hear the elevator door ding. Out she comes, dressed in her usual weekend attire: leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun, and she smiles when she sees me.

"Hey! Ready to go?" She asks. "I'm in desperate need of caffeine."

"Yeah, me too."

On the way there we talk about school and work and my personal gay agenda (Mack asks me about how I'm getting over Keara). It's pretty chill, but I can't help but think about holding her hand and going on cute dates with her in the city. It's all I can think about.

We arrive at the coffee shop and spend some more time in the warmth, talking about Mack's homophobic family and the many struggles of the holidays. I've always known Mack was gay, but she talks about it so differently when her family is involved. I've met her parents, and they're not the greatest people (morally speaking), but they are pretty nice, and they bake really good desserts.

I'm looking at Mack now as she talks about this new book she's reading, and I only see her beauty -- an effortless, captivating beauty. Even at 1:30 on a Saturday she still looks good. Wow, I think, and then I catch myself.

Wait. Jess, what are you doing?

This can't be happening.

Do you like her?

Or is this just like  a phase brought on by a foolish dream?

What's the truth?

Oh no...