' lost in yesterday.

02 𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

ANGST.

IT TOOK YOU A MOMENT to realize why you woke up. you felt so warm and comfortable, part of you wanting nothing more than to sleep through the rest of the day. however, you began to remove your head off the pillow, acknowledging the feeling of fear growing in your chest, knowing you had things to do. knowing that when you woke up, this was where the problems would begin to start.

you felt uncoordinated as you began to sit up. squinting as you blinked open your eyes to the curtains wide open, again. it took you a few moments to focus on what was around you, but when you did, you couldn't help but wonder why you still chose to be here.

boris lay sprawled on the mattress you slackly sat upon. crumbled cigarettes thrown into the broken ashtray, some scattered on the floor when he missed in the middle of the night. sheets also on the floor, completely thrown off the bed.

you lie back down on the mattress that was molding around you as you sunk into it, turning to face the boy anesthetized beside you. watching him sleep was invigorating to you. maybe because he wasn't screaming at you. pushing you around when you didn't finish something he told you to do because he was too lazy to do it himself. hitting you when he felt like it, even though nothing happened to be your fault. but maybe not. you were too scared of pulling away from him to see the things he had done. you had built up an image that boris was a good guy. and sometimes it was hard for you to see past that.
you were forcing yourself to think you're in love with him because you wanted so badly to think that he was different.

the thought dismissing through your mind as you slid your hand under your face, hand pinched in between your cheek and the pillow. staring at the slightly matted curls hanging over the quiet boys face. lifting your fingers from your left hand to the right side of his face, you gently ran your fingers down his freckled cheeks. repeatedly bringing your small hand back up to his cheek, thumb slowly caressing it while he slept soundly.

you wanted to say your relationship was as healthy as you wished it were, but it wasn't. and if you could wish for it to be that way, you would. he was good to you when he wanted to be; and you saw glimpses of how good he could be. but he wasn't that way at the times you may have needed him to be the most.

as you continued, boris began to stir in his sleep. tightly squeezing his closed eyes as he stretched out his elongated body. hands coming from the side of his body to rub his sleepy eyes. you let your hand fall from his face to the mattress, longing for the feeling of your skin on his when he couldn't say anything about it.

watching as he began to open his eyes, you panicked and quickly shut yours. hoping he didn't catch you pretending to be asleep. you could feel him begin to push his body from the mattress. feeling your side of the bed being pressed down on harder, without you knowing he was bending down to press a kiss to your temple; not being able to see him hesitating while he brought his head down to yours, but giving in and kissing you anyways.

you never knew what was running through his mind when he chose to do that on rare occasions. and you likely never would. but it did give you a small, aching feeling of hope to think he truly cared about you.

he pushed his body away from you and swung his legs over the side of the bed, sliding himself off as his feet hit the floor quietly. you knew you were bound to be awoken soon, so you let out a small yawn and opened your eyes while turning your body on it's opposite side. the side boris was standing on.

"good morning." you mumble through your lips.

but he only looks at you and gives you a small smile not saying a word as he picked up a shirt off the floor and threw it over his head. "what're you doing?" you questioned, tilting your head while asking quietly, and politely. afraid of the response you may possibly get. ignoring what he was asked he simply said, "how are you feeling today?"

he never asks me how i feel.

you slightly furrow your eyebrows, "i- i'm feeling okay." you respond, confused. "what's going on boris? you're not acting like yourself, is everything oka-" you try to question, pushing yourself onto your elbows. but boris cuts you off, walking towards the bed and climbing onto it, grabbing your chin with his left hand, raising it to meet his eye-line as he fixated himself across from you. "nothings wrong, but i realized that its taken me awhile to know i haven't been the best i should have been to you, and i'm sorry. i've been such a dick and i'm really, really sorry. it shouldn't have taken me this long to realize it and i apologize that it did. baby you deserve better than this. you're always there for me even when i treat you as if you're a nobody to me. but you are someone to me. you're all i've got and i'm not going to let myself destroy us too. i'm sorry."

perhaps it may have occurred to boris that what he thought about nights before with the fragile girl asleep against his chest was true. you couldn't believe what had just poured out of his lips. did he really just admit to that? is it a lie? or does he just want me for something? scenarios running through your mind as fast as you could process them, oblivious as to what you should say next.

"do you trust me." he asks.

you gently nod your head in his hand, "i do."

do i?

subsequently, boris began to lean closer into you. lips skimming yours. the moment his lips began to melt onto yours you instantly knew his lips spoke more truth than his words. he had never kissed you this way, you've never felt kisses with so much meaning.

he must mean it. mustn't he?

you blandly bring your hands up to his cheeks, placing them from memory as you settle your lips on his a little harder. he drops his hand from your chin and grips the back of your t-shirt while he steadily runs his palms under your shirt, pressed up against the warmth of your skin, holding you close. your mouths colliding messily as the world began to seemingly disappear around you. you pulled away and felt his hand being removed from the small of your back while your foreheads were lightly pressed against each other's. his thumb was gradually brought up to your lips as you felt him drag his finger along the bottom of it, tracing the space while pulling slightly when your eyes were pressed closed.

"i forgive you, but i'm never going to forget what you've done to me." you breathe out.