youngblood » cth

eight

... continued

He was here for me like he said he would be. But the feeling of emptiness and distance lingered. It was so unreal, how can someone be there yet it feels like they aren't really here.

After those few weeks of not talking it really put our relationship at risk of breaking. Especially with having to put it off even longer because of the loss of my dad. That wasn't the only thing, I didn't want to come to Calum overwhelming him with what truly was going on. It didn't feel right considering the fact we've been so off lately.

Our relationship was coming to loose ends after what's been going on lately. I need to be there for my family more than ever because my mother couldn't do it alone. Calum and I never discussed us because he wanted me to put us aside and make my well being priority. It absolutely sucked because I knew Calum was railing off. With him being busy again I know there's a chance he would relapse into bad habits.

I ask myself the question that has been running through my mind ever since. What happened to us? Does every good thing manage to turn out bad?
We became better after each small bump in our relationship. Right when we reached a place of comfort it came crumbling down. We haven't even had time yet to discuss it. As much as I want to oppose against focusing on me first I know that it's right. It's what I need, I just lost my dad and my family needs me. Along with money issues especially since one of my two jobs fired me. At this point, I didn't even know if i could still afford college. I couldn't even support my family as much. I wanted to tell Calum so bad how I'm struggling but I was hesitant. I don't want him to be even more worried when he has other things to focus on.

Calum
Short conversations. Distance. Worry.
The thing about being busy is you need to put in your effort to make time for the things you love. I wish I was better at that but it seems my schedule says otherwise. She's back home while I'm traveling almost everyday. It's hard to catch her at the right time and for us to talk long enough.

I scribbled down my lyrics on to my journal and let out a sigh of frustration.

Cause lately we've been living in different nations.

I set down my journal and ran my hand through my hair. I decided to text Rosie in efforts to not feel like our relationship was slowly breaking.

Hey babe, I hope you're doing well. Please text back as soon as you can.

Knowing she wouldn't answer in a few hours since the time difference was huge. I picked up my journal and pen and wrote again.

I know we break, but we're not broken.

I wrote one last line before deciding to take a nap to get away from my thoughts overwhelming me.

I just wanna get back to us cause we use to have more.

My eyes were shut but my head was racing with thoughts about us and how Rosie is holding up.

-

I woke up at 3 am from my phone ringing. It was a call from Rosie.

I squinted my eyes from the brightness coming from my phone and accepted the call.

"Hello?" My voice raspy from just waking up.

"Were you sleeping?" Her voice was soft and a wave of sadness fell over me. I missed her so much.

"Yeah, it's okay. How are you?"

"I'm scared," she whined.

"Why?" My brows furrowed together.

"I wanna fix us. We used to be a lot better than this."

"But Rosie, I want you to prioritize yourself. Especially with me not being able to be there for you as much. I want you to be okay before we deal with us."

"I can't Calum. I've been worried these past days about you. About us. There's a bit more going on from what I told you. I can't deal with any of it alone if we aren't resolved." I could hear her distressed sigh. My heart wrenched because I couldn't physically be there to hold her if she was crying or breaking down.

"I've been worrying a lot too. Fuck, I'm so sorry Rosie."

"It's okay, I understand. I really miss us. I need you Calum I can't stand losing something else again."

"I do aswell. What's really been happening lately?"

"I got fired from one of my jobs. I can barely support my mother and at this point I don't even know if I can still afford college. The landlord keeps bugging us about rent and threatens he'll kick us out. It's hard to keep up it's like my whole world is spinning."

"Rosie, you know I'd do anything to help support you." I let out a disappointed sigh. Rosie could rely on me all she wants as long as she's happy.

"You know I don't like that. I wanna handle it myself although I do appreciate it."

"Are you job searching?"

"Yes, but it's exhausting."

"Please, let me send some money. To help relieve you of some of that stress." I begged.

"It's okay Calum, I'm sure a job will come up soon."

"Rosie," I whined.

"If I'm in desperate desperate need I'll let you know. I love you." I shut my eyes wishing I was there with her.

"I will always be here for you. I'm sorry if I haven't put enough effort and time for us."

"I'm sorry too. This really sucks, everything just went down. I feel so far from you."

"I mean I am across the world." I chuckled and heard her give out a small laugh.

"I don't want us to get distant again. I can't lose you. I don't even know what you've been up to lately."

"Don't be mad. I've relapsed a bit." I bit the bottom of my lip scared of her reaction over the phone.

"A bit. I'm not mad but I'm disappointed. I thought you were better than that."

"With you away it's been tough to control myself. It's been stressful lately. Especially since I've been worried about you." I felt relieved that she didn't go off on me.

"Try you're hardest not to. Who knows how worse it could get. You know I'll be away for some time. For the both of us, please. I know you can do it love." She begged.

"This is why I love you so much. Fuck I miss you." My heart ached again. I couldn't contain the love I had for her it felt like my chest was gonna burst. I was so frustrated, I needed to see her again.

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