Words had flowed out of me for such a long time. I guess they always were the way by brain had expressed what it was feeling without having to do the tough job of vocalizing it. School was a place I had always shined because I had a knack for writing the in depth truth. So thats what I'm doing. I'm walking the halls of my old high school trying to get a written copy of this down before...
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. All I know is that people are going to hold candlelight vigils for me. They're going to blame some bully for my problems, and I'm going to be stuck wondering if I should be in Heaven or what. So I'm here.
Wait! Is that Mrs. Johnson?
I run to my teacher in the hopes of discovering what she's doing. She briskly strides into her classroom and turns on her computer. She is not well put together, but she jumps right in to typing up an email for the faculty.
As some of you may know, we lost a student this afternoon. It is confirmed that she committed suicide. I'm firm in the belief that we should hold a candlelight vigil tomorrow night at 7 p.m., please alert whoever you can. Thank you.
Mrs. Johnson hit send and sighed. She dropped her head into her hands and spoke, "Naila, if you're here, just know that... everybody loved you... and if it didn't feel like it.... I don't know what else I could have done to tell you your life was special."
The support system I had needed was always there. It was just hiding from me. My depression had kept it hidden.
It was in this moment I realized that throughout this trip, I had felt emotions only half way. Like they were fuzzy. But the remorse I felt right then was astonishing. Here was this beautiful life, and I had thrown it all away. The pain kept washing back in waves, and it was all I could do to not die again.
Suddenly, a large gap opened in front of me. A whole that I could walk through, full of light, and the most beautiful music, and the warmest, best feeling radiating out from the core. The remorse melted away, as I realized what this was. Positive replaced the negative, and I stepped into the portal. Anxiously awating the life I had next.
