Fast Car

It's peaceful in the deep, 'cause either way you cannot breathe.

In a bid to clear her head she went for a drive. Her dad had been on night shifts this week so when she couldn't sleep she hopped in her jeep and drove. Thirteen days since Shannon had stopped talking to her, and she felt like she was going insane. She wasn't sure what it was, the lack of friends who were speaking to her, the stares in the corridors, or just the guilt she felt constantly, but her anxiety was at an all-time high. She'd been running a lot, twice a day sometimes, and she'd thrown herself back into cheer practice seeing as it was all Alison ever did, and she was one of the two friends still talking to her, but none of it was helping. She couldn't sleep thinking about school the next day, the worry churning in her stomach and clawing at her throat. Mostly, she was disappointed with herself, she was desperate to leave home and live out in the world, but something as small as this and she'd gone into complete meltdown mode, and for the life of her she couldn't understand how to pull herself back together again. For the third time that week she wondered if this is what her mother had felt like, crushed by small-town life until she couldn't breathe anymore.

Kat tapped the wheel as she watched the lights of Port Rushton go by, she sped quickly past her dad's shop, hoping he wasn't looking out the window. Matty was working there now, marking another place she was avoiding at all costs, he wasn't speaking to her either. She was mostly annoyed about that though, cause she still wasn't exactly sure what she'd done wrong. She pushed down on the gas and got into the left lane, speeding up the hill until she was on the road that topped the cliffs. The sea sparkled in the moonlight, she put her windows down, willing the wind to whisk away her anxiety so she could go home and sleep. 

Kat huffed, this wasn't working either.

Driving was not relaxing. It was not the same as being driven, Kat found herself needing a place to be driving to, she couldn't just drive around aimlessly. She was happy to be driven around aimlessly, to watch the scenery melt into a blur, and feel the wind ruffle her hair. That wasn't possible now, she had to keep her eyes on the road, stay focused and alert. She was nearly at the drive-thru she and Cain had stopped at, she'd not seen him at all in over a week. It was like he'd disappeared suddenly. She'd thought about calling him multiple times, but she didn't know what she would say. Stopping at a light she saw the sign for the freeway, and her finger hovered over the indicator thoughtfully. How far could she get if she got on to the freeway now and started driving, how far before she had to turn back? The light turned green but she sat there a little while longer, contemplating it. In the end, her finger slid from the indicator and she carried on the cliff road. Instead, she pulled into the drive-thru car park and looked out at the ocean, remembering what Shan had said just weeks ago, it's me, you, and Scott til the end of the line.

Opening the car door she slipped out into the cold night and walked to the edge, the sea was black and uneasy, the wind causing it to crash dangerously against the rock face. She liked the sound it made, roaring, and whispering, then roaring again. Hopping on the hood of her jeep she leaned back and stared at the stars, just listening to the waves swell and fall against the rock. She was unclear how long she'd been there, but eventually, she began to get sleepy finally.

The next day she was sitting on the bleachers watching the other girls twirl and spin in the air. It was a sunny, blustery, autumn afternoon and Alison had been working them hard at practice. Kat thought if she spun anymore she might keel over.

'You look like shit.' Alison said coming up behind her.

'Gee thanks Al,' Kat groaned.

'What's with you lately?'

'You mean besides the fact that I'm a social pariah?' Kat muttered.

'You need to get over it.' Alison snapped. 'This isn't you, you don't mope.'

Kat hmphed

'You have millions of friends. Tell me who, besides Shannon isn't speaking to you?' 

'Matty. Although I'm not sure why.'

Alison smacked her on the arm and pointed across the field to where the boys were having practice, Matty was sitting on the bleachers a little ways from the other guys.

'Go over there right now and tell him whatever it is to get over it.' Alison said firmly. Kat scoffed, but then Alison gave her an expectant look and Kat found herself jumping up and heading across the pitch. it was difficult to say no to Ally. 

'And tell him to take you to homecoming while you're at it!' Alison shouted after her. Kat flipped her the bird but grinned thinking she'd have to warn Scotty that Alison might take matters into her own hands now that homecoming was near.

Alison's words steeled her as she walked purposefully across the pitch, she was right, she'd been wallowing in self-pity. Just because she wasn't ready to confront Shannon yet didn't mean she couldn't take matters into her own hands. Maybe Matty wasn't speaking to her cause she hadn't made an effort to speak to him.

'Hey' she shouted at him from the bottom of the bleacher.

'Hey' He said frowning slightly.

'So you avoiding me?' She squinted up at him her voice firm.

'Kinda,' he replied sheepishly.

'And?' 

'I'm sorry about my outburst at the party. I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you.' He stared at his hands the whole time, as he fiddled with his shin pads.

Kat walked up the bleachers and perched herself on the step above him. 'Good.' She sighed.

They sat in silence for a while watching Scott try a few tackles, his arm was a lot better but he was taking it steady at practice still. He was working his way up to the homecoming game slowly. 

'How are you holding up?' Matty asked quietly.

'As expected.' Kat said dryly. 'Lots of self-pity and fits of depression.'

He gave a small chuckle. 'Nothing new then.' There was another long pause.

'I.. I just, I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner, for not knowing that Tyler....' She broke off with a huff.

'It's not your fault.'

'Did you know?' 

Matty was silent for a long time.

'Not really, looking back on it now maybe... I'm not sure.' 

'I understand.' Kat chewed her lip thoughtfully. 'Look I'd better get back to practice before Ally rips my head off.'

'See you kat.' Matty gave her a little wave as she hopped down the bleachers. At the bottom, she stopped and turned as if she were about to say something more but after a second she shook her head and walked back across the pitch.

She felt surprisingly lighter.