You Are Not Ugly

WEAK

When i was in the eighth grade i was a bad person, beautiful, but a bad person.

I started to talk differently. I started to talk with more authority in my voice and  when people would curse at me, I would curse back louder. I remember practicing how I looked at people so if I was given a dirty look, I could give one right back but meaner. I remember looking at myself naked in the mirror and trying to find things about me that would appeal to people. I looked at my legs and my stomach trying to suck in the little fat i thought i had. I started to wear more revealing clothes such as crop tops and shorts that were two sizes below my actual size. I started to wear more than one bra to school and make it seem like i had something to offer to boys. I learned how to put makeup on the correct way, and i threw away my cheap black eyeliner. I remember not needed to wear glasses anymore and suddenly i had "blowjob eyes". I remember learning not to smile as often as I did so my gums wouldn't show anymore. All of the sudden i had "DSL's". Suddenly it was ok to be bisexual because a hot girl making out with another was perfectly fine. I remember the first time a boy who hung out with all of the popular kids, said hi to me. It was in my drama class and I remember how he smiled at me. I still don't know if it was genuine, or if he did it to get a laugh out of his friends but I didn't care. I knew I was changing and I didn't care if it was for the good or the bad.

I remember my seventh grade friends telling me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore because I was "changing". Parts of me wished I would have listened, and stayed the girl that no one really knew about. Stayed safe, and aware of myself-actions and aware of how people viewed me. I knew that I was a loser and I knew people talked about me when i couldn't hear.  But now as I'm writing this, i wouldn't change a thing. I knew that if i didn't change i would have stayed sad, and angry. I probably wouldn't have ever made it to the place i am now, writing this. I wouldn't change a thing on how I acted or how I saw myself as then and now. I wanted to be seen and known about in a way that was amazing, and I didn't want to be the sad ugly girl that didn't mean anything to anyone. I wanted to be happy and liked. I wanted to be beautiful. And no one was going to stop me from getting there.

By the time the first two weeks of eighth grade started, i was popular.

        My braces were off, and I got a new wardrobe. After working out and trying to become more attractive, my figure came. My waist was slimmer and my butt got bigger. My legs were toned and my face became less chubby. My hair was long and brown.
I remember the first time when i would actively drink alcohol with friends, and i remember the first time i lied to my parents about where i was going at night. I remember stuffing my bed with pillows so it would look like i was sleeping so i could sneak out in the middle of the night. I still remember my first night out. I remember my first cigarette and my first kiss. I remember all of these things clear as day. It almost seems like it wasnt that long ago, like it was yesterday and like a dream. Looking back at all of it now, i remember being scared.  I think about myself and how i was and who i thought i wanted to be viewed as. I knew i was called a slut, but being called a slut was way better than being called ugly in my book. I remember picking out my clothes in the morning and wondering what all the boys in my class would say.

I was considered beautiful because i changed who i was to who everyone wanted me to be.
I was fake.

I became the person everyone loved but hated at the same time for all the same reasons. I was so obsessed with becoming the "it" girl that i eventually got there and all the 12-14 year olds loved me. I knew that because from that point on everyone let me know how sexy or amazing i was. It wasn't because i was kind, or caring or because i was being myself, because i wasn't.
I was everything but that.

I remember the first time bullying someone. I remember laughing with my new group of popular friends and i remember giving looks to people who were like me in the seventh grade. I remember knowing that i was the person i hated in the seventh grade, but i didn't care at all because i was ugly in the seventh grade. Instead of being ugly, i was the girl that asked you do do her homework because she didn't want to. I was the girl that would complement you and then talk trash behind your back with my other friends so they would laugh. I was the girl you were afraid of seeing in class because you knew i would  make you feel completely uncomfortable the whole period. I was the girl that made your stomach drop.

In the eighth grade i was a bad person because i was everything i hated. But my 14-15 year old self didn't care about anyone but herself. Everything including my public school  turned into drugs, alcohol and sex at such a young age. Everything turned into a fake reality where i told myself i was who i've always wanted to be. I remember the small voice in the back of my head telling me I was becoming an awful person. But I didn't care, in my eyes and everyone else's, I was beautiful.

In my popular state, i can remember telling myself that i was fading away. Having to hide away yourself for so long gets harder and harder as the weeks pass by. I guess i could have told myself to stop what i was doing at the time. I was everything i hated about people when i was just a year younger. I was a bully, i was mean, and i was still sad. Sure the pain went  away for a little while, but a new kind of feeling comes with faking for a long period of time. I've lied to myself and others for so long i started to forget why i was even doing what i was. I forgot my favorite food and my favorite drink, my favorite clothing store and my favorite songs i listened to. What i liked to do in my free time and if i even liked to sing anymore. I had no clue to weather i was supposed to be smart or dumb in my classes. I didn't know if these shoes were ok to wear at school, and i even forgot my age sometimes. I forgot i was still a fourteen year old middle school girl who wasn't supposed to drink, or smoke. I wasn't supposed to be sneaking out and meeting up with 18 year old boys, maybe older,  at night. I wasn't supposed to be pushing kids into lockers or getting getting suspended for fighting and drugs .

I thought everything was going to be ok, but it wasn't.

I asked myself why i was still sad even though i did all the correct things to find happiness. People have told me you have to fight for what you want in life, and now that i've fought i didn't want to fight anymore.

In the seventh grade i was sad because i was ugly.

Now in the eighth grade i was sad because everyone thought i was beautiful, but nothing changed. I knew on the inside my true self, was still dark, lonely and ugly. I knew what an ugly and weak person i was then, because i knew that i wouldn't be strong enough to crawl out of the hole i dug myself. I knew i wasn't going to be able to tell my friends that i didn't want to drink and i didnt want to smoke or go party every night. I was ugly and weak and i thought changing myself for the worst was going to help, but it just became worse. I changed myself from a kind simple girl who was just trying to find her way, to a mean and despicable girl stuck in the same sad and depressed state. I was a terrifying version of the girl i once knew and i was scared. I made my peers lives as terrible as mine was, and nobody could know that pain more than me. I caused someone else to want to take their own life. At the lowest point i was, i knew i didn't deserve to recover. but i promise, will all the truth i can ever hope to have. I am so sorry.
I am so terribly sorry.