Dont bother reading this

Max's Death Day October 26, 2018

On a Saturday night, my heart couldn't stop beating, it raced as I heard the words come from my mother.

A pause hit the air until finally she spoke. "Max is in the hospital...   for..  shooting himself friday night".

I couldn't help but cry until I couldn't breath. All the tears that fell down my face was making an ocean of dispair as you could taste the salt coming from my eyes.

Why didn't he talk to me!, Why didn't he ask for help!?, Why did he think he was never good enough!?, Why didn't I hear the gun!?

why did I hate myself for not doing enough?...

He was gone.., someone who promised me would stay by my side, to never do something so stupid, knowing that it would brake my heart!!

I hated myself for being so selfish yet still hating him for braking me. He knew exactly what he was doing as I told a hundred times before.

He was never cruel, never mean, never violent, never even made me cry...
It was me who did those things, denying his love of something more then a friendship, knowing he did drugs but never putting in the effort to see how he even got their.

I always worried for him, cared for him but as I look back I finally realized, I did nothing!!! I didn't deserve happiness, I didn't deserve to have friends, a life, yet knowing I couldn't end it for the people who were still there for me, who cared for me. Never wanting them to feel the pain of someone leave them by choice,
Like I did...

That night that I heard he was in the hospital for pointing such a violent weapon to his head and pulling the trigger, like I was a snap of his finger, him feeling as if all problems would be fixed with a simple bullet.

I still can't stop picturing him pointing that gun to his head as he sobbed 10 minutes after he had all ready left a letter for his parents with only a few words on it, knowing it would scar them forever.

Him just sitting in his backyard for hours tearing up at something so small but dangerous in his hands as his back on the light wooden fence was resting and his brown eyes fixated out at the sky, the trees, the birds, the sun. Finally thinking he could feel peace yet still afraid to die as he was mentally fighting himself, debating whether he could do it or not..

Hours went with him sobbing until..

.....

*Bang*

.....

A click noise went off...

And a thump followed hitting the floor with blood smearing all over the wood and grass, staining it dark red.

I opened my eyes as I couldn't notice whether it was in my head or an actual memory that I watched. I didn't know how to feel, how to breath, how to stay calm....
I was fighting back the urge of ending it on the spot.

Monday morning I went to school to my first hour class cheerful, forgetting the worries since I was so used to people hurting themself but allways coming back. Today was different though, I sat down ready for class as the pledge of elegance was announced on the speaker. After the were done, we all sat down..

then it happened.

"An urgent announcement to all students..."
Everyone was eyeing the speaker since they never heard them announce something so big and important.

"Max Bennett has past away on October 26, 2018, Saturday afternoon.." Everyone went dead silent.

My heart skipped..

I was blank, as I stared into the speaker just hoping it was a joke but in the end new in my heart it wasn't.

Somehow the people I was sitting with in pairs of three saw my reaction. They apparently seen me shaking as a shocked impression grew on my face yet still blank. I must have scared them because they were to trying to spill out some words but was cautious on what to say almost as if I was going to shatter in pieces.

I was stiff for what felt like ages processing what they announced as I hated myself from forgetting. I mean I knew he was in the hospital but he was suppose to get better. He was suppose to come back, why didn't he come back.

And from then on I was broken and I knew nobody could fill the whole in my heart as my chest wasn't moving almost as if I wasn't breathing anymore.

The speaker spoke again "Everyone who knew him must come to student services"

I hated showing my vulnerability surprising myself as I didn't stand straight up and run to student services. Instead I stood in shock for what felt like hours until finally asking for my leave a few minutes later not showing a single tear but in the back of my head knowing the two who saw me shaking, stared right through me in worry.

As I walked down the hall, I remember all the memories since I was 8 with him and my other-basically a brother- friend Declan as I called us a trio always repeating that it was never going to brake.

Well, until now...

Going all the way back to seeing him as an innocent child growing up finally seeing through him on what really was going on. Digging deeper as I was determined to find out on just what really wen't wrong...

Let's start at the beginning..
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This is all a true story that has happened to me really, really recently and I could talk about it so I decided to write about it.

If you don't like it don't read it, if you do then it makes me happy that you do and that I'm not a complete failure.

I will keep writing so don't worry. I hope that you enjoy this, follow me and put this book in your bookshelf as a reminder for every time I post a new chapter.

Until next friday..👋

Sorry if you cried..