My Heart's Memory

Missing Part of Me

In the morning sitting across from Noah, it's hard not to give him all my questions at once. Demanding for answers on what happened, how to find her and anything to paint a picture of what she looks like.

"Let's just take this one step at a time, okay?" He says, already knowing that I won't be able to.

I nod. "What happened, what did I do?"

"You felt like you wouldn't be able to care for her the way she deserved it. But one thing's certain, as soon as you knew you were pregnant you made up your mind. Annie would see this world. Annie was precious to you." He smiles as he says this.

"Please... continue." I lean forward as if his memories of Annie were contagious, as if he could give them to me.

"Well," he takes a deep breath. "Shortly after you knew about your pregnancy, you cut me out. I wanted to be there for you. It didn't matter that she didn't have my blood, she was my daughter too. But the more I tried to be with you, the more it felt like you hated me. You kicked me out."

"I'm so sorry." The more he talks, the more I don't recognize myself.

"I was sure you were going to keep her. Thalia, don't get things mixed up, you loved her more than anything." He grabs my hands and I feel a longing to know her, to touch her hands.

"What happened?" I want to understand.

"You had nightmares every night. Your pregnancy was hard and you were all alone. Adalyn was studying abroad and you didn't tell her anything until she came back. Your mother didn't want Annie from the beginning. And at the end you felt too overwhelmed with everything you carried. You felt broken. You thought that the best choice for her was to find another home, a steady and loving home. You chose who her new parents would be."

"I wouldn't." I'm raising my voice and young couples in this odd diner turn to face me. I feel my face turning red as I picture any one of them taking Annie from me. "They took her from me, Noah."

"They gave her a home, Thalia. No one stole Annie from you."

I can still feel eyes on me. Why are we even in this area?

"I want to leave," I say. "Did we have to talk here?"

"This is Annie's neighborhood," he states, as if I should know. "I had arranged for us to meet with her family today, but we can't. Not when you're acting like this."

"You know them?" I feel my blood boiling, and it seems like Noah has betrayed me by being on good terms with this family.

"We know them," he says. "At first, you would let me tag along when you visited them. But then you stopped going. Seeing her, knowing she couldn't be with you, hurt you. But I kept going. She's three and a half now."

"I can't believe this."

"I know. It's too much for one day," he says. And I start to get up.

On the car ride to my sister's house he keeps trying to get me to talk. But I feel like I'm floating. Like all the mixed strong emotions are pushing me out of my body.

As I get out he says, "I promise I'll take you to her."

And I slam the car door out of frustration.

⤅...

As the days pass and I confirm Noah's story to what Mom and Adalyn have to say, I'm in a constant state of frustration. I have no one to blame but me. It was the choice I made.

I keep picturing her as a pretty three-year-old. Curly brown hair like mine, a dimple on one of her cheeks but with bright eyes and a joyful smile. She's running around in my mind, chasing the butterflies that Most Precious Gift has on its cover.

I place the book on the bed and picture reading it to Annie. It's when I go through it page by page that I find that the last one has a tight pocket with a card inside. I open it.

Annie's hand and foot prints.

I don't know her. But at that moment I know I have always loved her.

"Noah?"

"Yes?" It's 2am but he quickly picked up the phone.

"I want to meet her."