Why does love, Hurt?

A normal life. Chapter, 12

In my sleep, I see a normal life, One that I once had... A Normal Life...

But They never come true, I wish and wish wish wish... But they don't come true. How can it be so hard to have a normal life? And not having to lie to everyone I meet... It's hard to want to live when you hear screaming in the middle of the night.. And wake up to see blood.. And guts everywhere..

It wasn't always like this... We didn't ALWAYS Kill... We where... Happy? I guess...

I remember.. One day I woke up happy for once. But then.. That changed.. I saw my mom almost dead. I was 10.. 10... I should of screamed.. Or atleast cried? Right... But I didn't... I just stared at her. I didn't know what to do... I just watched as she drifted... To sleep.. Everyday.. I dream about a life. I could of had. If I just ran away... From my problems? No... But I can't.. I have to help my family. I have to be the best for my mom and dad...

The first kill was when I was 6...

I didn't know until I was 11..

I had a pink room with butterflies on the walls I like to think came alive when I sleep. But Now.. I can't even think about that room.. The pink turned into red.. The butterflies... Faded away and my room once was a nice place turned into my worst nightmare... Blood.. Guts... Nothing but screams. I try to block it out.. It never works out though.

I remember when I got into my first fight... I was 13 I won by default though... He got mad because I was fighting like a girl so I kicked him.. In the nuts so he screamed.. SO I guess I won? Right? I never really wanted to hurt someone.. I just get mad.. And I can't help it.. I mean... How can I even think about being a killer.. Even though I already killed 3 people.. I'm not who I was... I was meant to be the best child ever... That didn't come true.. I wish I could of helped.. Helped my family.. When they almost got caught. But I couldn't.

I sometimes look out my window.. And think... Am I going to die today? Am I going to be happy? Am I going to finally be put of my pain... But it's the same everyday...

Sadness.. Anger... Disapointment.

I really wish my life was normal?... What is normal?... Is normal like what other's are... If so.. I want to be normal.. If it means I'm happy... Then yes please. I would love that.