Hush, Hush Parody!

Chapter 2

My mom and I live in an elegant one story, one bedroom, no bathroom house. Our living room consisted of a small rainbow beanbag chair with a broken TV. Our kitchen? Well I'm glad you asked. Since we couldn't afford a whole entire fancy kitchen set, we settled on a large expensive granite counter, which took up most of the space. That was it. Sure, we had some cabinets, but those were mostly filled with muder weapons and torture devices, because my mom wanted to keep us safe. Our stove and microwave had been removed...something about a rat infestation? Whatever, to me they were Chuck E. Cheese.

Overall, our house was amazing. Once, I even tried submitting our house to MTV cribs. Their response was devastating. They took one look at the yellow muder tape in the corner of our living room and flipped. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, my dad got murdered in that exact spot a year ago. My mom and I didn't have the heart to take it down. Blood scattered the walls, and if you look closely at the wood flooring, you'll even see nail scratches from when my dad begged for mercy not to be killed.

As you can tell, we have great memiors of him.

Our house nested miles and miles away from civilization. In fact, a moat seperated the house from any other ones. The moat was so old that it brought many wandering spirits, or ghosts. Whatever the fuck you want to call them. Our home was so badly haunted that we were barely able to survive, due to the constant bullying we recieved from the ghosts. They were very sexual too, sometimes at night when my mom and I were sleeping, we'd hear them going at it like dogs. I don't recommend ghost sex...

...I don't recommend it....

I spent the evening shaving my hairy legs on top of the fancy granite counter. As poor as we were, we still managed to hire a maid, Dorothea, who was there only to clean the counter, and nothing else.

"How was school, dirtbag?" She asked me with a slight German accent. She was currently scrubbing the counter as best she could, considering I was shaving my legs and getting mounds of hair everywhere.

"I have a new biology partner." I replied, allowing a huge clump of hair to fall on the spot that she had just cleaned. She gave an aggravated sigh.

"This is a good thing, or bad thing?"

"Well, he eats condoms."

"Ah, then good thing."

I sighed in agreement.

"Tell me about the new partner, what is she like?" She asked.

"She's got a manly body, hairy arms and legs, she's tall, dark and annoying. She should consider getting a sex change."

"Have I ever mentioned my son before? You would like him. Well, he's about to turn into she, so-"

"Does he have a penis?"

"Right now, yes."

"Then no." Penis, dick, cock, ew. I shuddered at the thought.

Dorothea left eventually, and as soon as she did I ran to the phone. I didn't have Patch's number, but suddenly seven random digits came into my mind. I dialed the number then waited for the answer. After one ring, he picked up.

"Hello Paul, this is Patch. About earlier today in the bathroom, it was strictly fallen angel business. And in case you doubt that, then um...my penis accidentally slipped into your ass while you were peeing. Again, accident. Sorry for-"

"Patch? It's me, Nora. Where are we not meeting up tonight?"

"You promise not to come?"

"No."

"Okay good. I'm at this pub called Bo's Gay Arcade. Seriosuly, dont come. I'm playing pool. HEY, Rixon, cut it out man! Don't shove that pool stick up there! Unless, you're interested....."

"I'll be there soon."

"I won't look forward to seeing you."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

He hung up. WELL!

~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~~

My mom was away on a "business" trip tonight, so I was able to freely go without anybody questioning me. Well, except the ghosts. They mocked me all the way until I reached the door, saying stuff like I would never get laid. How rude. Who knew ghosts were so hurtful?

Before I left, I flipped a knife. In my family, we didn't flip coins, we flipped knives. If the blade landed down and injured us, then the answer was yes. If the handle landed first, the answer was no. I held the handle up high and said:

"Will I go to the bar tonight and start something with Patch, knowing it will lead to fallen angel issues in the future?"

I dropped it, and the blade landed painfully on my foot. Blood gushed everywhere, but I used my dad's murder tap to wrap it up nice and tight.

~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~

I pulled up to Bo's, shovel in hand as I walked to the front door. A big muscled man whom I assumed was Bo stood at the door.

I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed me and yanked me back. Before he could bitch at me for not paying the pay, I hit him upside the head with my shovel. He fell to the ground. Then, I robbed his ass and stole his shiny watch.

I felt very uncomfortable in a bar, surrounded by man with-shudder- penises. I held my shovel up in defense, and whenever a man came up to me I wacked them. Finally, I made my way to the basement, where a bunch of men were shoving pool sticks up their asses. There were balls on the table, but not the pool balls.....

"Patch!" I called.

He whipped his head around and stared at me wide-eyed. He had his shirt off, and a random man was pressing a burning cigar to his nipples. No wonder he smelled like cigars.....must be his fetish.

"Nora! I told you not to come! I'm so happy to see you!"

He threw the cigars on the ground then ran up to me and jumped into my arms, while wrapping his legs around my waist.

"Patch, what the hell?"

"You smell like rats.... I like rats...."

"Thanks! I've also been told I smell like an ass, gosh I get so many compliments!"

"I like ass too!" Obviously....

"So I came to ask you some questions for class..." I asked him.

"Haha, you came." I shudderded. Ugh, cum. Ugh, dick. *spaz attack*

"Religion?"

"I belong to a cult. As it turns out, I'm in need of a healthy human sacrafice, but since I couldn't use myself...."

"You are getting so attractive to me right now." I told him. He held up a pool stick.

"Oh yeah? Show me." He handed me the pool stick with a seductive look. I threw it down because it was wet and sticky.

"Where did you go to school last year?" I asked.

"Your moms vagina!"

"Ah, I can't argue with that. She has an  excellent education circiculum down there..."

"I want you." At this point, we were still in an embrace, so when he said that to me, I tried to be sexy by attempting to roughly throw him down on the table and kiss him. Of course, it didn'y work out that way. As I was swinging him towards the table, I mis-calculated the distance and accidentally swung him into a lamp. He landed harshly on the ground.

I gasped and ran over to his body. Then he randomly said:

"Say proacative. You look sexy."

I made a huge duck face, hoping to give him what he wanted.

"I'm glad Coach put us together."

"I'm not."

"Sounds legit."

~~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, I saw a shadow of a dick.

Lmao not as funny but still I hope you enjoyed (: If it needs any improvement or you want to change something, then let me know:P Loves <3

~angel~