I woke up.
I looked around, patting the bed next to me.
Empty.
It was real, but my stupid, stupid brain made me re-live it every night. I felt myself curl into a ball as I wiped tears from my cheeks.
I tugged a square frame from under my pillow and hugged it closer. The picture of Caspar I liked the most. His smile, body and hair all radiant.
I sighed gently and put it on the bed size with a small kiss on the cold glass. It reminded me of my last kiss on his cold lips.
I heard a knock and my sister, Zoe, walk in timidly. I felt the bed creak a little as she sat down with me, rubbing my back, trying to sooth me.
"Why? Why Caspar?" I asked softly, under my breath as I ran a hand through my hair.
"Look...Joe...you know what today is...right?" She asked me gently when she cuddled me, trying to stop me from crying.
How could I forget? it was his funeral.
I shuddered at the thought, chills running through my back.
"I'll leave you to get changed." She told me, her composure intact as she kissed my forehead and left.
I ran my hands through my hair.
I saw a bottle of vodka in my mini fridge and looked at it, sizing it up.
I walked over and took it from the fridge, unscrewing the top slowly and drinking rapidly, curling up on the floor, the now 3/4 empty bottle in my hands as I clutched it closer.
'No, Joe.' I swear I could hear Caspar's soft voice in my head.
"No! Fuck off! You left me!" I screamed loudly, fresh tears streaming down my cheeks as I launched the bottle at the wall, full force, watching it smash. "You left me." I repeated crying as I fell onto the floor, giving up.
