I'd rather be smoking weed
Whenever we breathe
Everytime you kiss me
Don't say that you miss me
Just come get me
Don't know why just know I want to
Don't know why just know I want you
"James Joint" - Rihanna
It's been almost a month since I've spoken to him, but there's hasn't been a day I haven't thought about him. I've gone back and forth with myself about contacting him. After one of our "breakups" or whatever you want to call them he always wants to be friends afterwards. There's no possible way I can talk to him consistently or even inconsistently without feeling the need to be with him and love him. As I stated before in my heart I want him and only him. Not as an associate, not as a friend, but as mine and only mine.
It's just been three weeks but I'm still surprised he hasn't even tried to talk to me or see me, in his defense I told him not to talk to me but sometimes I wish he would. I'm not even sure what I expect him to say to me if he did talk to me. I guess I'm just hoping he realizes that what he decided isn't what he needs. I doubt that'll happen though, he's very consistent and once he has an idea he runs with it. I miss waiting for his "Good morning baby" text and him asking me how I slept. He's the only one that genuinely cared. I miss our late night calls when his roommate wasn't there. Despite everything he's one of the most important people in my life. He's my best friend. And I just want him back.
Everything just seems so final. He unfollowed me on Instagram. He hasn't attempted to check on me or ask anybody how I've been doing, not that I blame him, it's just sad and heartbreaking. The finality of this is probably what hurts the most. I know at some point I'll get over this if it really is the end, but it just doesn't seem like I will anytime soon.
There's days I want to text him and go off about how wrong he is and that he made a stupid decision but then other days I want to tell him that I love him and i want to be there for him. But there's no way in hell I'm going to text him making him believe that he has me in the palm of his hand because he doesn't. I don't want him to think I'm begging for him to come back to me because that's one thing I'll never do, especially since our separations and misfortunes aren't on me. He has to make the decision to try to reconcile and get the help he needs. I always welcome him back with open arms believing that he's genuinely made a change in his life but now I realize he can't really change in the ways that he needs to without professional guidance because of his unfortunate life experiences. I doubt he even thinks it's worth trying which also hurts, but as always I still love him.
-Malise💜
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