What's up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin' 'bout you
And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say
And I'll put 'em in a letter
Thought it might be easier
The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line
To the story of me and you
Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin' to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
(Still not over you) you yeah
Ps I'm Still Not Over You - Rihanna
I have no idea what's he's doing. I have friends that know what's going on in his life because they all have him on social media or live on the same campus as him. It would be really pathetic if I asked one of them "So uh how is he doing? Is he seeing anyone? Is he happy?" Im sure he's coping fine, unlike me. I know at least one girl on his campus who he be might dealing with or used to at least. It was before me and him got back together so I can't really be upset about it. I don't think he knows that I know about that. I've known for awhile now though. He could be seeing her and/or others. I guess it's best that I can't see him on social media because I can only imagine how hurt I would be to see him with another girl.
He's never really been fully happy so I doubt that's changed but I'm sure he's good enough. I've never known how he's coped with me not talking to him. In my head I just imagine that life goes on for him. I mean I know I'm important to him but sometimes I just wonder to what extent? We've been dealing with each other for years but it's just hard to really know how much a person cares about you when actions show otherwise.
I heard he got casted in a musical at his school though. That's pretty cool I know it's been awhile since he's had a role in one. For awhile he lost his love for performing in a way but I guess it's good he gets to experience the satisfaction of it again. I wish we were on better terms because I would've loved to make the trip to go see him perform. I would've loved to make the trip just to see him at all.
Before things ended I had written a letter, sort've like a love letter that I was going to actually mail off to him. It was gonna be a surprise so I messaged our mutual friend who goes to the same college as him to figure out how I could send it to him. I was gonna get him a card and everything just so he could see how much I cared. It was just something cute and different. I guess it's good I never got around to mailing it since we would've probably broken up by the time he received it. That would've been awkward.
I do know he's supposed to be returning home soon for winter break. He'll be in the area for a month. Which gives me anxiety because I might see him and the last time I saw him we were working on officially being together and now we don't even speak to each other. I would love to see and talk to him. I want him to smile just at the sight of seeing me for the first time in a few months. I want him to hold me so I can tell him about all the depressing shit that's been going on in my life because trust there's a lot. I want to talk to him about his old favorite high school teacher who is now my teacher and how I like him and his different way of thinking. I want him to try to tickle me knowing that it irritates me. I want to pretend like I don't like all the attention he gives me knowing that he'll just keep bothering me no matter how mean I am to him.
That's how it was supposed to be when he came home, instead we probably won't see each other and he won't care to reach out and neither would I because I know how pathetic I would feel. Though it's not what I want it to be, I still want him to recognize that I care about him more than any random girl or girls could at this time. I want him to see that he has to continue working on himself no matter what changes he's made in his life he still needs guidance. I want him to understand that he can't do things alone. I want him to know that I miss him. I guess in a way I also want him to know that I'm mad at him that, though I could never hate him, I'm still upset. I want him to know that he's an idiot for choosing an ideal/lifestyle over one of the only girls besides family that's loved him, supported him, and defended him unconditionally. I want him to know that he could have all the girls in the world and still none of them would be what I was to him.
I haven't talked to him nor have I seen his face in awhile but I'm reminded of him almost every day.
I think about just erasing him from every part of my memory, hating him, and shutting him out. But I can't. I thought that after this it would just be so easy to say fuck him and move on. But it isn't.
I still love him and I still don't know why.
-Malise💜🕊
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