The Renegade

Chapter 1 - Part 2

I don't want to die anymore.

That's the first thing I realize when I wake.

I don't want to die.

The next thing I realize is that my entire body aches and groans with pain. I can't tell where the agony begins or end; I just know that it's here with me. I don't feel anything but excruciating pain. I try to piece together my fragmented memories, but they're drowned by the pain throbbing through me.

"She's waking up!" someone whispers. How long have I been asleep? Who or what called me from this state of comatose?

"Ren?"

Luk. I want to cry out to him and tell him how sorry I am, that I made a mistake, that I never meant for things to end like this, but my lips are too dry. Tears well in my closed eyes from the pure agony and bliss of knowing he's here beside me. Luk touches my hand, the only sensation that breaks through the pain, and I fight to open my heavy eyes.

Luk's eyes are blue--bright, inquisitive, sharp--as he studies me, concern etched in the wrinkles at the corners of his frown. He smiles at me, but it's a bitter, pained sort of smile. He touches my face and his fingers are cool against my burning skin. I want to let the tears spill out of my eyes and into his hand.

"Hey, Ren," he murmurs, a dimple forming in one cheek. "It's about time you woke up."

He leans in and plants a kiss on my forehead, his lips soft against my feverish skin. I part my lips and try to speak. "Wh--what happened?"

I scan the dark room and notice other figures lounging in the shadows. The wind whips against the walls of whatever building we're in and I know this can't be the Civilization; it's too cold, too close to the elements. One of the figures on the edge of the small room moves forward, a candle lighting his face.

"Hey, Renna," he says with a tight smile on his angular face.

"Orrick," I whisper through my raw throat. He leans against the wall on one side of my bed and squeezes my pale, shaking hand.

"It's good to see you awake," he murmurs, emotion thick in his voice. "I'm going to get Elz. She'll want to see you."

Elz. Orrick. Luk. The three most important people in my life are all here, and for a moment I feel a spasm of joy, but then the memories rush back. Elz's eyes go wide and she releases a scream as Laird's body tumbles to the ground. Luk pulls away from me when he realizes what I've done to Ila. Orrick shakes his head because he knows I went to far. Are all of my good memories destroyed by pain and guilt and regret?

I turn back to Luk, desperation lacing my voice. "Luk, what happened?" I reach for him with one hand, but the pain is so immense that I wince at once and see the needle in my elbow. I close my eyes. What happened to us? What happened to me?

"Just relax, Ren. I promise we'll explain everything," Luk says with a placating hand on my shoulder.

His condescending words only infuriate me, and I try to lean on my elbows and sit up. "No, tell me what happened!" I exclaim. I grit my teeth as pain shoots through me at the sudden movement. My head throbs louder than my voice.

Luk presses on my shoulders and forces me to lie back on a bed covered in a reindeer pelt, and I don't have the strength to fight him. I squeeze my eyes shut, and I try to remember, but I just see Laird's body falling into the snow over and over again.

Ila. An image of Luk's daughter comes into my mind with her warm skin and round eyes, and I remember needles inserted into her arm, a panicked look of confusion, and insurmountable guilt. I did something to her. I destroyed her.