infinity ∞

∞ introduction; part 1

my pen flows over these pages like a waterfall flowing over glistening brown rocks on a warm summer day.

i can't think straight right now. maybe it's because im high, or because i just found out my mother's cancer is getting worse. cant really tell.

my mind is a bundle of jumpled thoughts and worries. some, well, most are indjudicious and just plain obsurd.

three years later and my brain still cannot comprehend the concept of my mother having to sit in a hospital bed for who the fuck knows how long, while slowly fading away more and more with every second, of every hour, of every day that passes.

how can one deal with all of that pain of something that isnt even their fault? how does one live their everyday life with a burden like that on their shoulders?

i choke back the tears that threaten to fall down my cold cheeks.

the air feels still and quiet. i used to hate that, that dull, lonely, quiet, feeling. but i've gotten used to it over the years. it's all i really feel anymore.

actually, to be perfectly honest, i've never really felt much more then that. even when i was a little girl. i remember that day, the day i was raped at 10 years old. stabbed, hit, beaten till that last breath escaped my bruised and broken lungs. it was a miracle that im still alive today. but that's another story for another time.

those next few years were a blur of painful memories and flashbacks that to this day, still haunt me. so many therapy appointments, medications, sleepless nights, flashbacks, bad days, hard times, hard life.

oh, but of course, when a terrible experience like that happens to a person, it's not all good the next day. oh no. the ptsd, depression, self loathing, insecurity, self confidence issues, anxiety, and constantly worrying if he's ever going to come back, sticks with you. follows you. always ready to strike at any moment.

so, imagine this. a very damaging ordeal happens to you when you're only young. and after working for years to try and become the person you once were, and finally almost exceeding, and then one day, you receive terrible news. one of the only people that stood with you and helped you through your recovery journey, is severely ill. 

that could ruin anyone. and it did, i was torn. and all that hard work i built up for 3+ years, was destroyed. i dont think you really understand how permanently damaging all of that is until you actually experience it first-hand.

the day i found out my mother was sick, i made a promise to her, and myself, that i would not let it get me down and do everything i could to keep growing from my painful experiences.

but i didn't keep that promise. and that was probably the worst mistake i could've ever made. im sorry mom.