Today, Tomorrow, Everyday

| 7 | Today | 7 |

I breathed heavily, hesitating to knock. Today was the official first step to finding K's identity. The sooner we find her, the sooner I get everything fixed, I told myself, but it didn't help at all. Fear got the best of me. I felt like I wanted to run.

They say that when in the midst of fear, there are only two responses humankind makes. That would be either the fight response or flight response. Right now, I felt like undergoing the flight response. And I always hated it when I felt like running.
I was in front of Mr. Williams' house, not so ready to make an offer he wasn't even looking for. It was something so out of the blue which meant I had to use persuading skills I didn't even have.

“Mr. Mulligans. What are you doing here?”
The door suddenly flung open. I was welcomed with a puzzled Mr. Williams dressed in house clothes. His hair was messed up. He held a cup of coffee in one hand. He looked like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. If there was one thing I have learned by just looking at him it’s: if you aren’t really at good terms with your teacher, never ever visit him in his house while he’s still in his bright-coloured polka dotted underwear. But I didn’t have any choice. It was either my dignity or my life. I think, for the first time ever, I’d rather choose my life.

“I- I w-was j-just--” I couldn't help but stammer. How do you tell your teacher who you're only supposed to see at school yet is standing in front of you now in clothes you wish you never saw him in that you want to babysit his grandchildren? Oh I know. You don’t. Crap, I seriously need to swallow my ego at tight times like these.

“Yes?” He asked, more confused than ever.
“I was just wondering if you wanted a... baby... sitter. Yeah, a babysitter.”

This idea sounded pretty good yesterday when K had just told me, but now that I was saying it, it sounded absurd. Why would Mr. Williams hire someone like me who just wanted to kill himself a couple weeks ago? How could he trust me with the lives of his grandchildren if I couldn't even take care of my own?

It was these kinds of questions that always had me doubting everything in my life – or mostly myself. This must be why I lacked the courage to do just about anything. But did I really lack courage? Was this what K meant the other day? That in reality, I was too scared to die. I was just too blinded to know.

No, that can’t be. I knew what I wanted that day. I wanted to die. I may be a loser, but wasn’t I at least a tad bit courageous enough to accept that?

“Dad! Who's by the door?”

A woman's voice came round. Then a blonde woman's head peered through the door. Mr. Williams backed away a bit to give the woman space.

She apparently called him Dad which was weird because I always thought Mr. Williams only had a son.

This woman looked like she was in her mid-40s. She was blonde and even if it was real early in the morning, she looked well fixed unlike my teacher here who perhaps is wishing he wasn't the one who answered the door.

I could very much understand him for I too had my fair share of regrets from the smallest to the ultimately biggest things. To be honest, I think my life has been built up on noting but regrets. It’s an unfortunate world, and so with that, I have taken any opportunity in the world to be free from the chains of regret.

“What's going on?” The woman opened the door more to get a better view of me.
“I-I'm o-offering t-to be a b-babysi-sitter,” I gulped. I think I stuttered too much.
She smiled sweetly then shifted her focus over to Mr. Williams. “Well Dad I think we could use a babysitter for the children don't you think? I mean, I've always been meaning to find one.”