Royal Assassin: Book Five of The Empress Saga

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Krayson stood before the altar of the Warding Light and watched as the flame danced out of the confines of its diamond.

He still hadn't deduced what one was supposed to do in places like this. It occurred to him that he must've been an abnormality, because the very nature of what he was, both saint and witch, required a communion of sorts with spirits. Even so, Krayson had never learned how to pray.

"You're supposed to be hope," he said towards the altar. "I thought if I came, I might feel it. Would I even know if I felt it? I can't remember what it feels like." He shrugged at the way the Warding Light flickered in what he interpreted as a question. "You know I'm a blood mage, right? It took many of my feelings from me, even though I sometimes think I can still feel a piece of them. Ghosts, but lately they almost feel alive. I think it's because of the people around me."

The flame bobbed in place. Krayson had no reason to think so, but he might as well tell himself the Warding Light nodded in understanding.

"People are complex things, I've learned. They're not like the straightforward equations of spellcraft. I can't look at Lord Ban and chart his essences. A somatic for his bravery, a line of five words for his loyalty. It doesn't work that way for people. Because... I see the things that make him cowardly. I hear the words that tell of how he could turn his back on someone. Those are so much weaker than the other parts of him, but they're there. And it's because the better parts of him are stronger that he's who he is."

The Warding Light flared for a brief moment.

"I know. I wish I could be more like him. I can't look at what's happening and see you. Hope, I mean to say. Lord Ban is so certain, or at least he makes it seem like he is. He knows Enfri will steer him onto the right path. Lord Ban won't turn away from her."

The Warding Light dimmed before wavering from side to side.

"I can't be like him. The parts of me that could are just ghosts." Krayson closed his eyes and hung his head. "I've always been pragmatic, but it hasn't been until now that I thought that may be a flaw."

The Warding Light continued to burn, steady and encouraging.

Krayson chewed his lip and felt compelled to continue even as saying it aloud felt wrong. "I don't want to leave. I liked it here."

The Warding Light bobbed once again in understanding.

"People are too complex to be one or two things alone, but I think it's accurate to say there's at least one thing about each of them that pulls at a ghost inside me. Take Lord Ban, for instance. When I think of him, I feel courage. Not the battlefield sort of courage, but more like... the courage to be sincere. With Reyn, I think that must be what it feels like to be vulnerable and not care that you're vulnerable. To find strength in your weakness."

The Warding Light gave a sort of shimmy that made Krayson think someone had opened a window to let in a draft.

"If I had the word for it, it wouldn't be a ghost, now would it?"

There was no doubt in Krayson's mind that the flame shrugged at him.

"As for Her Majesty, that's something I know I can't put into words. She makes me afraid, she always has, and I've never had an issue with feeling fear. I'm just not sure what it is I'm afraid of with her. Afraid of her, afraid for her, afraid of what she'd do to my sanity if I continue to be the target of her idea of humor. Maybe... afraid that I could follow her down this path and be content as it took me to Hell. I want to have faith in her, but I don't have it in me to believe. I need facts, and she's not provided any. There's no other choice for a man like me. I can't stay. I made a promise that I would fight them. I will never stop fighting them, even to my dying breath, to the Beyond. I won't stop just because she asks me to, and if I can't obey my empress, I have no right to be in her empire."