Regrets||✓✓

16.1

I loved every inch and curve and swerve of a female body. It was delicately and beautifully made. It was gracious and I appreciated it.

I had finally accepted my lesbian side.

My mom almost died.

She'd be fully dead if she knew my lesbian partner was her colleague and partner at work, Mrs. Kathleen Bates.

I met Mrs. Kathleen at ma's workplace. It was Bring-Your-Child-To-Work day. Certainly whoever brought up that idea wanted to see if his/her colleagues' children were top notch and perfectly bred. Like it was a competition of some sort.

Ma introduced her, I greeted her politely with a grin, and watched as Ma walked away to talk to someone.

Note; Kathleen was a white, married woman. It's important to keep that in mind.

We talked for a bit, all the while her eyes twinkling in excitement and clouded with lust. It was odd, but I did have big breasts and a nice body. She told me to follow her to her office,telling me it's not far from my ma's and how they were great friends.

I had the greatest make out session of my life. End of that.

She lured me on to the table, stood between my legs and I felt her breath fan against my ear. One part of me was screaming that it was wrong- she was in her thirties, married, and my ma's friend. Another part of me wanted to explore and be wild. Definitely the other part.

After teasing me with nips on my ear and neck, with soft breaths fanning my skin in between, I lost all self control, grabbed her shirt, and kissed her. She paused at first, then started to kiss me back. It was slow and steady, but my core was throbbing and I was losing patience. She didn't have any intention to go any further, I could tell, so I eased up and just went with the kiss.

She stopped and stepped back. "Your mom would be looking for you; you should probably go." My heart sunk. Mixed signals. Dejectedly,I got off the table, wiped my mouth and headed for the door.

"Wait." I didn't want to,but I did anyway. " Here's my card. Give me a call soon." I nodded and left.

After we left ma's workplace, I expected to feel... Dirty, odd, disgusted, or at least bad. But instead I felt so elated. Like it was a part of me that was supposed to be but I had kept hidden. Like it was who I was supposed to be. I grinned to myself. This is who I'm meant to be. This is Naija.

It was different, though. With Gold, it was just teasing and harmless fun. We almost never went too far, because we didn't want to be those kind of friends. But with Kathleen? Oh, mama. It was rough and wild and explosive. It didn't even matter that she was my ma's friend, or that she was married. All that mattered was the crazy sex we had together.

One night she told me a story. Of a girl who had always likes girls right from kindergarten. When she got older she thought she would like boys but didn't. Women seemed more appealing to her. Scared to tell her mother and father, she told no one, except her diary. In the university she fake dated men and secretly slept with women. Someone told her parents, and rather than accept it, they first turned her away, and to avoid soiling their family's name in the mud, they rushed her into marriage. "That girl was me, Naija." She had sighed and turned to look at me, her head resting on her arm. "I'm not happy in my marriage. But you... You remind me of myself. Wild and very naughty," she'd said, caressing my nipples. "Don't hide who you truly are, Naija, or you might never be happy."

I was too busy to respond, her tongue was already swirling around my left nipple while her fingers explored my core.

I never told Gold about Kathleen.

So, like I was saying, I had finally accepted my lesbian side, but my ma didn't.

The day I came out to both of my parents, was on a Sunday. I made sure I wore nothing to upset my ma even more and looked neutral.

"Ma? Dad? There's something I need to tell you."

They both stopped what they were doing and turned to look at me. I boldly stepped into the living room and stood in front of them.

"I think... No, I'm a lesbian. This is me coming out to you." I counted to ten in my mind, my eyes darting between my ma and dad's face. My dad looked at Ma, who sat frozen, looking at me. A tear dropped. Then two, and she began to sob, and left the living room, heading in the direction of the kitchen. I was almost moved to cry but I wasn't going to. My dad, however, stretched out his hands, wanting me to hug him.

I ran into his arms and sighed happily. At least he understands. "Lesbian, straight, emo, asexual, I love you either ways, Naija baby. You always gonna be my baby girl." I snuggled deeper into his arms. "I love you too, Dad."

For the following week, and two weeks after that, my mother didn't talk to me. She would make my meals and that was all. Tension was thick in the house, but I hoped she would understand soon.

Nah who we kidding? This is my MA, we talking bout.

Anyway, Kathleen did break my heart, though. Three months into our relationship, and she told me she had to break up to save her marriage. Yes, the marriage she claimed she wasn't happy in, and that I made her happy because I reminded her of herself. I felt my heart squeezing and my lungs burning after she was done with her explanation. She was crying, and I was crying, and we were both sobbing messes. When she tried to hold my hand it felt like I was being burned with fire. The same hands that explored every inch of my body and made passionate, wild, explosive love to, felt like fire on my skin. I left her in her living room, sobbing on the couch, and ran home.

I blocked her number and deleted it afterwards. Tore her card to shreds and deleted all the emails and everything that reminded me of her.

And to think I came out of the closet because of her.

It was then I decided to get my first tattoo.

***

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Love,
AJ.