Hello again my friend. This week has been quite the rollercoaster. I have learned who my true friends are and lost some along the way. I have often this week found myself wondering if this were always the case and I am simply starting to see it. I would not have survived this week without my Red Tub Family.
I was at discouraged at the start of this week. Then i realized that change is slow. Just because i had made the decision to start my journey didn't mean it would change over night. A great man once said, "Nothing in life should be jarring, it should be a smooth transition." It made complete sense. I realized in that moment that is exactly why i have failed at this journey so many times before. I tried to hard too fast.
I looked at my PMA journal in which I'm planning and tracking this journey to relay here. It was already growing full of lists and goals, schedules and ideas. Shortly after my realization something unexpected occured. A friend whom i considered close began to show this very blog around. I know they likely meant well, but I'm baring my soul in these words and I panicked. It was too much too fast. This started a two day long series of unfortunate events that spiraled downward quickly.
I asked them why they did what they did. They only replied with anger. I lost a friend that day. But i gained several more. Quite a few people came to my aide. One in particular, Jani, stayed with me the entire day with me chatting, making sure I didn't stray to dark thoughts. Bless him, he kept me sane. Even now He still chats with me every day quickly becoming a trusted friend and ally.
On thursday evening I couldn't sleep. Normally on those nights I will simply toss and turn or stare at my ceiling. This time i rearranged my office. I cleaned, scrubbed, move things, vacuumed, and got rid of a lot of old junk. Looking at my freshly done office reinvigorated me. Small changes. That is what i need.
"Just one small thing doesn't seem like alot, One small thing work with the time you've got, Soon one small thing becomes two, after two perhaps another few, Then one small thing is not so small, One small thing can be the biggest thing of all." -Daniel Ingram
Pacing seems to be the trick. One small thing at a time. I know I have made a lot of quotes in this entry, which may seem like fluff but they really arent. Each one of them holds a key to my journey. I'll insert one last one here I heard from a Military Sargeant doing a speech, I do wish i could remember his name. "If you want to change the world start by making your bed. Even if thats the only thing you do in one day, you will at least have a made bed to come home to." I think that is a valid point. One thing can change more than you think. Even the simple task of moving my desk and decluttering made me feel free and highly accomplished. This is my task for the next week, to do one small thing a day. Even if it seems simple or silly, if I can do at least something, one change a day, then i know i can do this to the end.
I have a long road ahead of me, and though i hit a roadblock this week, I had people come to me to not push me over it themselves, but to help my go over it myself. They didn't just say "Okay you've got this." They patiently listened to me say things like "i should just delete the blog" or "maybe this was a mistake". None of them discouraged or encouraged me either way. Just supported me until i realized one event shouldn't stop my journey.
"When Do you feel lonely?"
- I feel lonely most often times in the evenings. When I am sitting in the silence of my home and drinking tea with no one to talk to aloud, lost in my own thoughts. When i have no one to open up to or even just chat about my day before retiring to bed. That's when it hits me hardest.
"What fears are you facing?"
-This blog itself is a huge fear. Opening my soul and faults to anyone who may read it. Challenging myself to change my ways of daily life. Even to branch out and try new things or new ways of doing things. I'm in the scariest part of my life so far, but it's so important I have to push through. Nothing worth having is ever easy.
"Are your habits healthy?"
-...No they aren't. I don't sleep well, and i certainly don't eat well. I dont even exercise though i've had a gym membership for a year. Im currently reading different articles and books on nutrition and talking to a personal trainer to find a routine that will work best for me. As far as the sleeping, I'm trying my best to go to sleep at the same time each night. Though these things will take time to change.
I will leave this entry here, I do hope my friend, if you are reading along my journey, that you are doing well. That your life is okay and you are healthy. If not, Maybe one day you'll start a journey of your own, or maybe you are even on a journey with me.
With the Warmest Regards,
Echo
