Happy Path

Time Marches On

It was inevitable. The longer I spent at The Bank, the more comfortable I became. I was less anxious in general and was relaxed around the team members I was getting to know on a more personal level. I remained realistic about the chasm between what I was doing and the kind of work that would actually be fulfilling, but my sense of dread had greatly diminished. I understood more and I asked fewer questions, meaning I could devote some brain space to thinking about what I might like to do in the future. There was even the occasional lunch with former colleagues; their gripes about my old job and my old employer made me feel like maybe I'd been the chosen one in a good way.

Then I found out about the next step in restructuring my old department at CTV. The producers were being unionized. There had been talk about the possibility of a union since the day Frank arrived. He'd come from the downtown office, where the producers were already part of a union and were also responsible for some editing. What was shocking about this decision was the timing. Coming so close on the heels of layoffs, it was clear that management knew the producers would become unionized. My boss knew it was coming and still chose to lay off a producer who was formerly an editor. I felt like I was being dismissed all over again.

As details of the change came to me from CTV friends, I felt sicker and sicker. Not only would the producers now be expected to do some desktop editing, but the Discovery Channel Canada producers would start reporting to Frank. Discovery's Creative Director was laid off the same day I was, so the group needed to be absorbed. The CTV producers would be asked to do some promotion for the channel, something they'd never done before. I was told that in the meeting this was announced, one of the producers said, "You know who worked for Discovery promos? Who would have been a perfect fit for this transition? Molly!" At least it felt good to know someone there still had my back.

The final insult came when a freelance producer, who had been with our group for years, was given a full-time position. It was impossible not to see my dismissal, in the midst of company-wide layoffs, as a very convenient way to purge me from the department. The logical part of my brain fought this conclusion and presented the facts without emotion: a cut needed to be made. The emotional part of my brain told me what I was pretty sure to be the truth: the only reason to get rid of a producer who can edit and has worked for Discovery Channel is because you want her gone.

I'd come a long way since walking out of the CTV building. I'd learned so much in my new job and worked really hard to let go of what had happened at my old job. Unfortunately, the news from tv land shrunk me back down to insignificance. I wasn't even sure if I had an ego anymore.

I started thinking about the end of my contract. From my first day at The Bank, I'd targeted April 30 to be my last day at The Bank. Now I wasn't so sure. I wanted to give myself time to make a next-step decision and I was nowhere near that milestone. If I gave up a paying job, I might take whatever came along just to be employed again. When I left The Bank, I wanted to be headed for something I was excited about. I was making enough money to stay, I felt like I had a handle on the position, I was still learning skills that would serve me outside my role as PCO, Richard and Charles liked me...there was a place for me at The Bank. I was a broadcasting refugee and until I figured out where my new home was, the The Bank camp was it.

Still, I had a desert island mentality about the job. There should have been hash marks all over the soft walls of my cubicle, counting days. Counting up, but also counting down. On Monday, it was only five more days until the weekend. At four o'clock, it was only one hour until the workday was over. It was a terrible way to live—getting past life and just enduring more than seventy per cent*  of the week. I counted the days left in my first contract. And then I signed up for another.

*I used my calculator for this percentage.