When people say "You can talk to me whenever you need to." They don't really mean it do they? Because whenever I do need to talk and I try talking to someone they leave. When I say you can talk to me I mean it I may not be very good at comforting people but I am a good listener... Sort of heh I've got pretty bad ADD but that's mostly in class when it comes to people who need to talk and let their feelings out I'm there to listen. When people are sad I don't usually know what to do so I try to make jokes I smile and try to make them happy but I always come off as insensitive or not understanding or something like that I can't describe it really but others give them a hug and glare at me like I did something wrong I'm not very good with dealing with negative feelings its hard to be serious I can be online but in real life I just get so happy being with that person I can't help but smile. I was texting some friends today and I got kinda serious, talking about my feelings and they just left I thought they would be there for me they said I could talk to then whenever but that want true was it? Nobody ever means it when they say they'll pray for you they say it to make you feel better. They don't mean it when they say you're pretty they just don't want to upset you. They don't mean it when they say they promise they won't tell anymore because they'll just go gossip with their friends. They don't mean it when they say they love you they'll just go behind your back. Everyone does these things I've even some some of then and I hate myself for it. I hate how much of a stupid brat I was. My mom is right I am a bitch, her bf was right, I am selfish. I should just die already, stop wasting so much food, money, time, space. If I weren't here my mom wouldn't drink or smoke, she told me that once, I am the reason she does and I'm the reason her and get bf fight. If I weren't here so many problems wouldn't be happening in my friend group, they wouldn't have to worry about keeping me happy or making me do my schoolwork. If I weren't here doctors and teachers wouldn't have to worry about kerning me safe and they'll focus on others who need more help than me. Others have gone through worse than me so why waste your time on me? Go help someone who really needs it, who is more valuable and gifted than I am. I have nothing to offer this world, I have no talents or beauty, I have no life of my own. I usually follow others, this world needs strong, independent leaders, not weak followers who can't do anything themselves like me. Everywhere I look I see these strong confident people and then I look at myself and see nothing, I see something that shouldn't be there. I am wasting my time here I keep waiting and waiting for something that isn't going to come. That thing is love. I keep myself alive hoping to find someone who will love me and take care of me but whenever I think I find them I get hurt. They lie to me. Why tell someone you love them if you don't mean it? I just need to have it I'll never find someone like that I will never find love I can't trust anyone anymore I got hurt too many times. I can trust being friends but dating is completely different. When dating someone you are constantly worrying about if they actually love you or not, about whether or not they are cheating on you, etc. With friends you don't have to worry about that but you do have to worry about developing feelings for them and it breaks your heart seeing them with someone else but you have to deal with it because it makes them happy. I wish there was someone out there who cares, I want someone who will always be there for me, someone who won't lie and will be loyal. I may be poly but I still get jealous I know that sounds crazy but let me explain, I just don't want them to hide it from me if they want to talk to someone then all they have to do is tell me they don't have to lie to me, it's especially if the person isn't polly and they are just players looking to cheat on their girl behind her back. There are many things wrong with me I know, I am very confusing because I feel one way but feel the opposite at the same time does that make me a hypocrite? I don't like bacon, lettuce, or tomatos and yet I like BLT's, I am scared of catarpillars and yet I like butterflies, I don't like it when people don't pay attention in class and pretend that they are sleeping when I don't pay attention either and sleep in class (but to be fair I don't fake sleep to look cool I actually sleep because I didn't get much sleep and I can't pay attention very well bc of my ADD which has been getting worse and it's so frustrating not being able to concentrate) Anyway, I am not loved or cared for idk what I'm waiting for but I just can't seem to get myself to do it why can't I do it already? If I do I won't suffer anymore, the world won't suffer. Should I stay or should I go?
