Prologue
Have you ever felt that feeling that something is there but you just can't figure out? Wondering where things go as each day passes it will all just be memories of the past. Not thinking , what will happen next?
Here I am just sitting by the coast of Naar, admiring its beauty as I stare into the sea where he is swimming. He's beauty is by far extraordinary, I can't help but smile thinking that he is mine. Mine alone.
I can't help but stare. After a few years of longing, wondering, where will my life be at this point? Is it still worth living just to see how things could be in the future?
Doubt filled my soul for years, but now, I'm quite happy for what I have achieved.
"Xyja!" sigaw sakin ng boyfriend ko. Boyfriend, hmm. I'm still not used to it even though we've been dating for a year. The way he call my voice is soothing, it's like a drug. Hearing him call my name brings me peace.
I looked at him and smiled.
"Yes, Andy?" He stood in front of me. This massive beast is too much. He's stare is too much that it weakens my soul. He's too much. He's too much and I love him for that.
"I need to talk to you." He said seriously. I know what this is about. I've been preparing myself for this after a few months. Mahal ko siya pero 'di ako bulag. I can see it clearly. He's tired of me. Loving him too much was breaking my heart too much as well.
Tumango lamang ako at sinundan siya. His shoulders are massive as well. Days at the gym clearly did him well.
"what is it that you want to talk about?" He looked at me with sad eyes. I closed my eyes and calmed my mind. This is it. This is the last time I will ever get to hold him. I opened my eyes, waiting for him to say those words.
"I wanna break up." He said. Looking directly at my eyes. I thought I was ready, apparently not.
I sighed.
"I-Is that what you really want, Andy?" Tears are starting to fill my eyes. I stared at him. Trying to memorize his face, maybe this is the last time I might get to see him.
The wind blew my brown curly hair unto my face, covering the tears that was falling. Huh, even the wind is trying to comfort me.
"Yes, I've tried loving you, Xyja. I really did. Pero may mahal na talaga akong iba" tumango ako. This is even heartbreaking than I thought. What did I do wrong? Was I not enough for him to stay? I just wanna chain him to me and never let him go. Its selfish, I know... but I love him so damn much.
Humihikbi na ako. Trying to contain myself, is this a joke? This is just a joke, right? He still loves me I know.. I know.
How can I contain myself knowing that the guy I love is in love with someone else.
I'm addicted to him. He's my drug.
But i'm nothing to him.
"Is this a joke?" I know its real. Am I just too desperate? Hell, I could even break all the rules just for him if he wanted to. I want him. So bad. But he doesn't want me.
Umiling siya.
I sighed and wiped my foolish tears.
I love him so i'll set him free
Martyr na kung martyr. I am so darn selfish but when it comes to him, I would do anything.
"O-okay, but can I request something first?" he eyed me intensely. Those eyes, how can I ever forget those ocean eyes? Im drowning but Andy, why can't we drown together? Im here dying while you are just silently looking at me not giving a damn.
I tried composing myself before saying my request "Can you say you love me one last time?" That's it. I've hit rock bottom. I've sank in the deepest part of the ocean.
"Why would I do that?! Why would you torture your self based on those lies?!" my tears fell once again. His voice is too much. He doesn't care about me anymore. All I can do is ask him once again. I would gladly listen to him saying those 8 letters as goodbye then hearing him say he doesn't love me.
"a-after a year of being together, I only ask this, say that you l-love me and I will no longer bother you Andy" I finally said it. it doesn't matter if I look or sound desperate. He will leave me, even if I beg.
"Fine" he said. He sounded so uninterested. It poked my heart. It killed me. He clearly doesn't want me anymore.
"I love you" It almost sounded like a whisper. It felt so real, but I know its not.
I stepped forward and gave him a swift kiss "I love you too" and walked away.
As I said those words, I walked away. Even if it killed me, I walked away. Not even looking back I walked away from him, my life, my everything.
I may not have you now but I promise Jakobi Andrew Caswell, you will love me so bad. The same intensity as my love for you but the difference is, I will forget you when that day comes.
I will.
