imessage // trixya

seventeen

1k reads!!! this is absolutely mental, thank you so much :'')

tw: panic attack

katya pov

i woke up with a dry throat, my body craving water. trixies arms were wrapped around me tight, so i wiggled my way our gently, careful not to wake her. i turned on my phone to check the time. two forty eight am. my parents were in morocco, so the house was eerily quiet apart from the sound of my cold feet hitting the hardwood floors and trixies light snoring. opening the creaky door to the bathroom as quietly as possible, i turned the light on and saw just how awful i looked. my blonde hair had fallen out of its messy bun, wavy tangled tendrils lying on my neck and shoulders. i had dark brown and yellow hickeys decorating my neck and chest from days prior, and mascara smudged around my jewel-blue eyes. filling a glass up with ice cold water, i noticed my hand and entire body shaking. i hadn't taken my anxiety meds in the two weeks trixie had been living here because i didn't want her to know i'm fucked in the head. the water cascading down my throat feels too cold, too slippery, too overwhelming. i suddenly went into major sensory overload, which often happened before i had a panic attack. the light felt way too bright, the air was too warm and my shaking was freaking me out. i crumbled into the empty bath tub, hyperventilating and sobbing loudly. i tried to suppress my cries to not wake trixie, but before i could calm myself down the door flung open.
'katya?' trixie sleepily mumbled, rubbing her eyes. she put her glasses on and saw her stupid, pathetic partner in a fucking bath crying her eyes out.
'oh my god.' she gasped, running over. 'what happened?'
'i...need-meds-cabinet-please.' i rasped in between heavy gasps, my lungs desperate for air. her hands fumbled around in the cabinet for what felt like an eternity until she found my fluoxetine, popping two out and bringing them over with my water.
'shh, shh baby you're alright.' trixie put the water up to my lips as i shoved the pills into my mouth. all i felt then was stupid, so pathetic that trixie has to fucking pour water down my throat because i'm panicking too much to hold a glass. she got into the tub with me and pulled me on to her warm, bare legs, rubbing my back with her thumb soothingly. my breathing began to regulate, thanks to the medication and trixie being there.
'why didn't you tell me you had anxiety?' she whispered, being mindful to not be too loud and shock me.
'i don't know,' i wiped the snot off my face with the back of my hand. 'i guess i didn't want you knowing how fucked i am.'
'what? you're not fucked.' trixie sounded surprised. 'the chemicals in your brain just work differently, that's all. it wouldn't make me love you any less.'
'i know, you're not like that. i was just scared you'd find it weird.'
'well, i don't. anxiety's a common thing, and it can be managed well but i really need you to take your meds sweetheart.'
'okay.' i sniffed, feeling a sudden wave of tiredness.
'okay.' trixie replied quietly.
we sat in silence for a while, trixie just rubbing my back and kissing my forehead until i fell asleep, content on my lovers lap.

just in case anyone thinks i am trying to glorify anxiety, i'm not. i suffer from panic disorder and tried my best to show how ugly and debilitating it can be here, not how 'beautiful' and 'soft uwu' it is because it's not.