Why Do I Sin?

Chapter One: Seriously?

I did not want to have to do this. To have to lie to my family, thus breaking their trust and everything I was taught to do right abandoned. It was almost as if I planned on doing it. I can not diminish these thoughts of love. Could you? I was in love with a boy for God's sake.

Or rather I should say a man. I am not going to act childish in this manner. I am 17 and he is 18, though we are in the same grade if that counts as being equal. It is not like I am going around throwing my love at who ever looks breathtakingly hot. Though you could say he was hot, it was more his personality that made me feel like I was melting around him. His soft, but manly voice gave me a bit more strength to go through my day.

My days were never so slightly better than the 2 hours spent staring at him and on the weekends I felt detached to life as if life was meaningless. I know what you're thinking, that my life is meaningless? Yes you could say that only because of what I have told you so far... Anyways, my days were always spent with my dresser blocking my door, thus allowing me to feel safe even though my door could lock. I spent my days crying myself to sleep as I thought it was my last day on earth; holding my breath so I could potentially need it all. But that didn't work and would it ever? I am a coward. I could barely confront this guy at school, rather end my life. I could do it, but will I? Will I ever take on a mission that could change my life forever? My answer was no.

As the weekend was starting to come to a close, I started to get a sensation of seeing my (should I call him my crush?) friend at school again. His name was Sebastian, just to add on to the sexiness of him all. I am moaning in my head right now, only when I am confronted by him I try to act normal, as if I don't like him at all. Is that not what you do to crushes after all? Please tell me because if I am doing something wrong someone should tell me.

It's second period of the school day and I see him. Coming in late to class as always, but with a girl holding his hand. "God" I say under my breath. Have I seriously fallen in love with a straight man? I mean yeah there have been some cases where people are straight, but have come out as gay in the future, but this was not the case here. He is obviously straight and I have obviously deluded into thinking every guy has an interest in me. I mean seriously, what in the world world was I thinking?

That day I went home only to be tormented my my father, to which I called him an ass. Only in my mind as I stated earlier I was a coward. It only made sense that I was the child my parents never wanted, thus is how I can explain to you why they torment me so much. Was it because I was gay, or do they even know I am gay?

That was a good question to be answered? No, I presumed. I mean, I went to church school every Sunday, I prayed at the dinner table every night, I even go to church to volunteer and walk down the ceremony during Sunday rituals. But did that deny the fact that I was gay? No, or at least I sure hope not.

As I started to age, my parents had more children to which allowed me to stay on the down low about my sexuality, while my belief in God started to diminish and my going vegan, finally allowed me to dismiss myself from praying every night at the dinner table because for all I know, they could just be speaking gibberish to themselves. Now, I am in high school where the only thing I believe in is how stupid I must be to think that a straight man, who potentially has a girlfriend, would ever in the slightest chance love me back?

Writer's Words:
Please do not copy this as this is all copyrighted.
Also please give me some feedback as I will take in all the critical comments.
This is unedited and my first piece, but I want to further this and actually publish an entire book about this experience.
Please follow me and my Instagram @itsmichaeltm !
I know this is short, but please expect this for each chapter. I do expect to have 30+ chapters for this book.