Why Do I Sin?

Chapter Two: It Is Time, Right?

I have thought a lot about my decision to do this. Many years and countless hours debating, writing pro/con lists, and arguing with myself only leading to the same ending: I need to tell them. I can not just straight up tell them I am gay. I feel that would just be a slap to their faces... Wouldn't it? There has to be some way I can tell my family without them hating me afterwards.

Even so, I have made even created a list of points in which showed different ways my message could be delivered. Though, I seemed to end up in the same place every time. "No", I said softly. "NO!", as I screamed into my pillow I had laid upon my face to decrease the chance of my parents hearing me. The same pillow I have tried to suffocate myself with.

If I tell them, there is only one thing that could happen and it is almost horrid making me terrified of the consequences of this sin they talk so much of at church. I would be disowned, thrown out of the house and in the worst possible time--- the winter season. I mean it is just so cold outside that I do not think that right now is the best time to tell them.

I keep asking myself if it can wait. But can I truly wait much longer to identify myself as who I am? This is who I am, a gay man. But this one voice in my head (possibly God) is sneaking unwanted thoughts of me burning in hell. As if I am not already in hell itself.

"Who am I?", I repeatedly ask myself everyday. "Am I who I think I am?", I ask over and over again in my head to make sure I am not going to screw up the rest of my life by making a choice to believe in a first instinct. How am I even sure I like men? Do I not like women? I mean I am attracted to them. So does that make me bi-sexual? Would that be better for my family that I am bi-sexual?

These questions go on and on forever as if I would have to pray about them for it to stop. The stress that it gives me keeps weighing me down, despite my big and tall size. I feel heavy almost all the time as I am carrying on so much feelings and emotions that just want to escape. But I don't let them.

My bedroom, which is on the opposite side of the house where everyone else's bedroom can be found, is all but four familiar walls three of which have a never ending row of windows on them making me feel exposed from the outside; often needing to tape black posters on them to keep out the blinding light.

As I lay here in my bed, I feel a small breeze from the cracks between the outside and the inside probably from the poor construction of the windows in the walls. I shiver as I think about telling my parents of my so-called secret. I can not believe the only place I can find warmth is in the coldest place I feel I have ever been: a place where I am not true to myself and my sexuality.

The next day comes around and I am abruptly awakened by the ambulances that go by my window. These ambulances are common in my area. I sometimes think they are coming for me, again. "Again", I say every morning because it reminds me of the time I slit my wrists only to be awoken by the annoying ambulances siren.

But that day is not today. It is once again Monday. Another school day where I get see Sebastian. This week I think it is time. I am going to tell him that I like him. Whether or not I tell my family about my true identity, I will go through with this plan. I keep thinking that even though I have not yet "come out the closet" to my family, those at school most definitely already know, so it will all be okay to tell Sebastian about my love for him or at least I thought it would be.

Writer's Words:
Please do not copy this as this is all copyrighted.
Also please give me some feedback as I will take in all the critical comments.
This is unedited and my first piece, but I want to further this and actually publish an entire book about this experience.
Please follow me and my Instagram @itsmichaeltm !
I know this is short, but please expect this for each chapter. I do expect to have 30+ chapters for this book.