Break Up

Goodbye

You took a last look at the house you've come to call your home. The place you spent the last years living in. The place you've come to love.

Sure, there are memories in it that made you sad and angry that you wanted to forget, but there are also memories you wanted to treasure and keep in your mind that you wanted to remember once in a while. Like Valentines' day when you opened the door to Jaebum holding flowers for you. Or when he bought you your own digital camera for your birthday. Or when he held your hand as you light up the Christmas tree after you spent hours decorating it on the first day of December. And it's not just the holidays or events that's memorable. Even just the daily simple things that tugs your heart. Like waking up to him mumbling in his sleep. Drinking tea while you're both sprawled on the couch as the rain pours outside your window. Movie marathon on the off days. Doing spring cleaning as the music blares from the bluetooth speaker and you both ending up slow dancing to a love song. You sighed. You are going to treasure all of it, no matter how painful.

You turned around to see Jaebum already on the drivers' seat looking far ahead, not really looking at you. You notice his tired eyes and suspected he must've stayed up last night. You wondered what was on his mind right now and why did he even bother offering to drive you to your parent's house when you told him you'll leave after you broke up. You both know it would just be difficult to the both of you, but he insisted.

Jaebum was taken aback as he heard the passenger side's door closed. He didn't even notice you went in the car. His mind still clouded and he's not sure if it's the lack of sleep, or the ache in his heart that made him unfocused.

"Are you sure you can drive?", you asked.

"Yeah, don't worry about me.", he answered while checking the side mirror. He took a quick look at you and leaned in. You held your breath as you felt his hand on your side, his face so close and afterwards, he reached for the seat belt and secured it in place.

You both were silent on the ride. Jaebum has his eyes locked on the road knowing full well this would be the last time he'll drive through these streets with you. The last time he'll drive through these streets to your parents. He knows the way by heart and now wonders what he would do with this information after this. That and together with all the things he knows about you. Like how you have one foot out the blanket when you sleep regardless of the temperature. How you're ticklish on your nape. How you cry every time you watch "UP", no matter how many times you've already seen it. And how your lips curve into a smile every time he says, "I love you".

Jaebum finished unloading your suitcases from the car into the front gate to your parents' house. You begged him not to come in and greet your parents. They would just ask him a lot of questions and it would just be difficult to explain.

You were about to turn around to ring the doorbell when you felt him pull the bottom of your jacket, stopping you. You don't know why your heart sank as you realized he was afraid to even touch you. Does he really plan on becoming strangers after this? Then thinking about it, you realize maybe that would be easier.

"Y/N, before you go. I just want to say...", his first words were quiet. Barely a whisper. And he tried again, this time a little louder for you to hear, "I just want to say... ", he swallowed a lump on his throat, his eyebrows furrowed, eyes looking away from you as he gritted his teeth. His lips quivering. After a few seconds of trying to calm his emotions, he tried again, "I don't want you to leave without hearing this from me first. So, listen, please."

He bit his tongue and continued, "I know I did wrong. But please know that I didn't mean for us to end. I didn't love you just to see you cry. I didn't make memories with you just for us to get hurt. And I for sure hell didn't love you just to break up."

You see him struggle as he speaks, and your eyes are now beginning to tear up as well as you listen to him, "But I know you already decided to leave me, and I respect that, I do.", his gaze locked on yours now and you see the pain coming through his eyes, "I accept that. And after you leave me, I want you to live happily. Live the best possible life with no regrets, Y/N.", he offered a sad smile. "And I know, time will come that you're going to forget me even if it hurts. Let it. Forget me and let go of all the memories of me as you go.", he paused again and finally reached for your hand, "I know you're going to find a better man than me. I hope you do. You deserve that. Don't be hurt like the times you were with me." He squeezed your hand before letting it go and went to wipe the tears that is now streaming on your face. You were in between sobs as he continued what he wanted to say. "As for me, don't worry about me. I'll maybe find someone that is alike but not quite similar to you." He chuckled bitterly and even if he tried to hide it, he now couldn't stop the tears in his own eyes.

He didn't want you to see him break down in front of you, so he whispered a quick "Goodbye." before turning and going back to the car and started driving away. The sleeves of his shirt now soaked in his tears as he continuously wipes it as he drove.

As soon as he knows he's out of your view he slowed down and stopped on the side of the empty road. He was trembling from crying his heart out. He thought he was strong. But all the emotions that he kept bottled up ever since you gave up on him, has now made its way out and he couldn't stop it. He knew it would be painful, but he didn't know it would hurt like this. He felt like dying. He should've been used to it. It's not like it was the first time he went through a break up. But why does it feel like his heart is being squeezed and torn to pieces. Feeling this torture, he couldn't help but think, if he knew you would leave him, he shouldn't have loved you so much. He shouldn't continue to love you so much.

**

"Goodbye Road" by iKON