Reckless Abandon (Drarry)

Chapter 14

Harry entered the room, slamming the door behind him, and throwing himself down on to the chair.

Dr. Mendoza arched an eyebrow at this display, looking like he was holding back a chuckle. "You appear to have something on your mind, Harry."

Hands clenching on the armrests of his chair, Harry let out a frustrated huff. "I'm trying so hard to improve my life, following everyone's suggestions, but instead I'm falling apart. I don't even know myself anymore."

"Falling apart? In what way?" the therapist asked.

Harry rolled his eyes. "It feels like I have no control over my actions, my emotions. It can be a normal day, and then-" He waved his hands around. "I attack a suspect and end up here. I find myself suddenly offering to adopt a child. And then feeling furious when they refuse the offer. Having crazy thoughts about-" Harry shut his mouth so fast he nearly bit his own tongue. In his ranting, he had almost mentioned Draco.

"Crazy thoughts about what?"

Damn. Of course his therapist would catch that. After all these weeks, he knew when Harry was holding back. He shrugged. "Just about a man I dated a while ago."

Dr. Mendoza nodded, looking at his young client. "We have talked about your past and those changes you have made lately. They are big steps towards living a fuller, happier life."

"But..." Harry sighed, knowing there was more coming.

"But humans don't adapt to change with a snap of the fingers. It's easy to have everything looking great on the surface, but the change takes a while to sink down deep into the core of who you are. And sometimes, your old ways, your old beliefs, will fight against the change."

Harry tried to take this in, and understand it. "I'm an adult. I should be able to control myself. I should be able to look at things with a rational mind and define who I am."

"Yes and no. I agree you can do that, but it will take time and a lot of work. It is what we are trying to do here." The doctor took a minute, collecting his thoughts. "But you can't deny that you are shaped a lot by how you are raised, and your experiences."

"You are saying I attacked a suspect because my parents died when I was a baby?" Harry scoffed. "That I can't get over a guy because I had to wear my cousin's old clothes?"

"Yes."

The simple answer had Harry staring at his therapist in shock. He had made up the most ridiculous scenarios he could come up with in that moment.

"Let me explain the patterns I have seen from our sessions. Your loving, wonderful parents were murdered when you were just a baby. You were taken in by your aunt and uncle, but instead of loving and taking care of you, they treat you like a burden, like an embarrassing freak. Then you are off to Hogwarts, suddenly rich and famous, but still lacking parental figures. You had good friends and a pseudo-family in the Weasley's but still looked for a father figure."

Harry could only nod along, knowing by now that his therapist was leading up to something.

"You turn to Sirius, but all too soon he was killed. Dumbledore as well. And even Snape."

"A lot of people died in the war." Harry shrugged. "Other people had it just as bad as I did."

Dr. Mendoza leaned forward. "Yes, but the repeated loss of important people in your life is something you couldn't help but react to. Everytime someone good came into your life, took an interest in you, they were soon gone."

"OK, maybe that is true to some extent..." Harry didn't see how that related to his current issues.

"People who have experiences like that at a young age typically react in one of two ways; either they withdraw and don't bother trying to be close to anyone again..."