Him

This unfamiliar feeling

This school. This school was alittle scary if I must say. For the thing that scared me, was anything I did in there. One wrong move could or probably would change my futures up-coming fate. The crude, long wait on that bus was antagonizing. The shaking and trembling motion of the bus was made by the harsh, cracked, and crumbling road that on most streets was yet to be paved to let it become gentle and smooth, understanding and kind, it only made me feel like it was thunderous because of the state of mind I was in. It only made my anxiety build up, creating itself into an empire, and made my stomach twist and turn, it tugged at the very vains that lay under my skin and made my bone shudder and quake.

Why?

That one questioning word. That question that either went answered or not, was not in my position that I was in at the time. For it was yet to tell me the fate I had yet to come. I let a relaxed sigh and once again curved my lips into an unknowingly fake, calm smile. As the bus arrived to the the pace all children dreaded, i gripped my bookbag strap like i was about to brace for a punch in the gut. As the bus came to an erupt stop, children from grades 6th through 8th crowded the walk way that stretched through the middle of the bus. I waited for the children to flood out of the bus like a school of fish before walking out myself. The moron, bricked and lighted school called for me to enter, beckoning me to come in to hold me captive to give it attention for just a few hours, just until 2:45.

NORTH EAST MIDDLE SCHOOL

Ah does that name give me chills. The memories made here for the past 2 years flashing my vision. Most were abruptly disturbing, but some had a laugh or two. The only thing enjoyable about school is it is never open on the weekends. Ah do weekends give me gleaming joy. It gives me time to myself, being home alone while all of my family is out at work or hanging with friends. It gives me time to cry, to yell, to scream those emotions that are mercifully crawling out of my every nook and cranny. I then take a deep breath, hoping that this Friday with go easily and fast.

Time skip

I tap my pencil impatiently for the last urging seconds to pass. BING BING BING
As soon as the bell yells it's beautiful battle cry, i abruptly rush out of my seat and out the class room door, rushing to the entrance for the fresh afternoon air to hit my tender, plush skin.    
As soon as I reach the entrance, I push open the doors with pure joy as other classmates and children pursue behind me. The bright sun then glistens on my face as a light breeze tickles my nose. My tired, droopy eyes close for multiple seconds before opening again to find the once empty scenery in front of me when I first opened the doors to now be filled with laughing children and teens all formed in groups, big or small or just the one person themselves. My light smile I had on my face then quickly snapped back into a small frown as I spot my once-only-love who left my weak heart to crumble. I grip my one book bag strap tightly as to contain my inner anger and sadness that I feel as I look upon him smiling with his now new lover. Tears threaten to drop from my eye sockets as flashbacks of when me and him had the best of times... but ever since we broke up, I realized something I never really thought about.

I had always been terrified of him.

I then started to remember how he used me, my body, and played with my emotions, mixing them up and solving them like a rubric cube. He was the smartest in the grade after all, but he really was an ass. I then try to clear my thoughts of him as I walk towards his direction to walk the way I get home. As I go pass him, I can see from the corner of my eye him just staring at me, with those blue and slightly green eyes. I picked up my paste as my anxiety starts to make my blood go boiling hot, making my heart beat fast and sweat like I was suddenly put in a sauna. I need to be away from that monster I feared. I just wanted to be home where I could just cry and scream my emotions.

Time skip

As soon as I climbed the steps of my front doors platform, I swung the screen door violently to get to the doors key pad, entering the code to let the one thing stopping me from entering my house lay down it's guard. As soon as it unlocks I turn the door nob and push open the door with pure frustration and confusion, being filled with so many emotions. I close the door quickly as I sling my book bag away from my body and put my hands up to my face out of pure frustration. My body jolts as I hear the loud thud of my book bag landing on the hollow floor beneath it. I put my back against the door, sliding down it as my legs go weak and shaky.
Tears start trickling from my baggy eyes, going instantly to my fingertips down to my palms as they continue to flow. I sob loudly but with time the sobs become more loud and shaky, yet strong and violent.
I then press my palms onto my lips as I yell into them to keep the frustrating cries of a broken soul stay inside my weak, prisoning body.  As soon as my body can't take it anymore, I remove my hands, turning them into fists and yell out cries and howls of sorrow. My throat becomes dry and scratchy after 2 minutes of repeating yelling and sobs, but I don't care for it.  What is there left to ruin after what I've been through?

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Really big wornning that some triggering stuff is up ahead so if you don't like the following things listed, I'd advise you to skip onto the next chapter-
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•threat of suicide

•descriptive detail of suffocation

•suicidal attempts

•cutting

•suicidal thoughts

•ANYTHING SUICIDAL

•close to death encounter (descriptive)

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Thank you and... please stay safe
Now to continue....

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After the multiple belts and ropes that have wrapped and tighten around my neck, threatening to conceal my lounges from the new air that awaits it.  Wanting to do it  for a long enough time that makes my blood clog and stop inside of my veins, making numbness grow at my fingertips and spread through my body and soon enough making my head feel pressured and have the feeling it might explode at any moment.
But soon enough, my courage to continue on disappears before my eyes as I quickly untie it every time I reach that point of the proses.
I'm always just at the edge of the sweet release I long for yet.... I don't continue to it and just get pulled back to the numbing, bland reality that I live in.
After so many stake knifes have sawed away my skin and pierced through my flesh. Feeling the warmth of my blood trickling from my injury that I caused on purpose.
After so many voices have echoed through my head from the past telling me to just do it already.  Some voices are familiar, yet some are unfamiliar, have no identity to its words.
Soulless.

I really do need help don't I?

I'm not supposed to be this way.

I need to fit in like other girls.

Does anyone really like me?

Why do I keep falling for love when all it dose is just take a peace of sanity away every time my heart breaks?

What really is this feeling that's taunting me?

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I'm sorry if that made you triggered or depressed of any sorts, just... need to let out that thought and express that before my body can't take it
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