Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it's choking on a piece of its owner's jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Q: What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A: A Cat-astrophe
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad.
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid!
Q: What do they call cans in Mexico?
A: Mexi-cans
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old
A: The Old Volks home!
Q: Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks.
Q: What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A: A Bagel
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!
Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
A: Ears
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can't break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: They take the school buzz, of course!
Q: What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A: A milk shake!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why aren't koalas actual bears?
A: The don't meet the koalafications.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
Q: What's red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don't look now, but something between us smells.
Q: Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?
A: Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: Garbage truck!
Q: What do you say when you lose a wii game?
A: Ouch!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
