I think I've figured it out. No, I'm not depressed. I'm not exactly sad, but I'm not happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile and have fun during the day, but when I'm alone at night I forget how I feel. I forget there are still people who care. I don't know how, but I start crying for no reason. I cry to have something to do, to fill up the emptiness in my heart. When I was younger, I always hoped someone would cheer me op. Now, I just want to be left alone. I don't know what changed that, just like I am more on myself. I like being alone, it gives me time to think. There has been a lot going on the last months and I haven't had a lot of time to realize what it was. The things that were happening at home, S taking my heart and leaving with it, friends separating from each other.
Over-thinking hadn't helped me with anything, so I write things down. At first, I didn't. I kept thinking and thinking - I got no sleep and got tired as hell. School didn't really worked out as well, because of that, so something changed in me.
A lot of things changed, to be honest. I used to be the happy, blonde girl, wearing dresses and skirts in all colors of the rainbow. Now I'm just the girl dressed in black. I went from wearing no make-up to wearing a lot of dark tones on my eyes. I was that girl who used to smile to everyone on the streets, now I just stare at them until they leave me alone. I was the kind of daughter who sat downstairs, helping with cooking dinner or just talking about random things, nowadays I spent every hour in my room. I used to listen to all the happy little songs with happy voices, these songs were swapped for metal and screamo stuff. I've changed, in a lot of bad ways. But still, I'm not depressed. Just different than I was before.
I don't think I'll be like this forever, I think it's just a phase. This is me, for now. I have things around me that keep me standing. My parents, school, friends and especially music. I wouldn't even survive being this without it, I would feel lost and it would stay like that. I wouldn't really say music saved my life, but it's pretty damn close.
Soon there will be a festival I'll go to. Two of my favorite bands are coming there and I think it'll be a good thing to see them live on stage. Of course I'm going alone, but I probably won't be there alone the whole time. I hope someone will see me and notice how sad I am. Notice me. Please.
