Beyond the Stage

Chapter 3

Life is never predictable sometimes. You think you know everything and have everything planned out but nothing ever works out that way. Take a look at our group for example. I never expected we'd get so much love and popularity from around the world. Big Hit isn't even the Big 3 in the K-Pop world. It's no YG, SM, or JYP. It was a tiny company and like a speckle of dust in the desert. Almost no one knew it's existence and now it's got a name for itself.

I also didn't expect our group, including myself, to be having such a difficult time for reasons that would never have even crossed our mind before we debuted.

Earlier this year, we were considering on disbanding. Yes I know that sounds crazy to so many people. But you have to understand something. We didn't know how to handle this massive acceleration of popularity we were riding all the sudden. We had no one to really ask for help. It was beyond my dreams, or any of the members dreams' for that matter. Suga hyung kept on making our goals higher and higher each year. But we somehow accomplished them. We even almost snagged a Grammy nomination but disqualified.

Most people would say this is great. What are you worrying about so much? I mean yes it's great but on another level, it's terrifying.

I want to change. But honestly, I felt scared and still feel scared. I know I said I wanted to be honest with myself but I still hold fear over the same thing. The future.

I want to be strong but somewhere in the corner of my mind, there's this doubt that things will come crashing down. Suga hyung once said "He's afraid of falling but he's not afraid of landing."

But how far would we land? How far would I land? Would we be able to get up and stay on the ground? Would I be able to do that?

This is why I needed this break. I wanted to escape this wretchedness I was feeling.  Surrounded by the midst of numerous fans and in their eyes of affection, I felt so lonely. It feels so weird to keep smiling and pretending that nothing is ever wrong sometimes. When in fact, I'm breaking apart inside. You can't show that to the fans too much. They get really worried. And then there's others that begin to think you are weak.

In our country, why do you think mental illness is stigmatized? Because most think it makes you look so weak. It's worse sometimes if you are male because you are expected to be the "strong one" and "protector." It's like you can't show people your flaws because they'll pick on it. More so in the culture of perfection, we survive in. Everything has to fit.

You must look great. You must act great. You must earn great. You must do what is required for it's time and fit into your role in society.

The threshold is even higher for celebrities.

What are we ? Not human?

I think it's okay if we show our weaknesses sometimes so we can learn from them.