Solivagant

Prologue - Robinne

*3 Years ago, September 2015*

     No other single solitary moment came to mind where she was more terrified this. Not a single one. She was about to do something for the very first time, say something for the very first time, something huge. Well, to her anyway.

     Most girls Robinne's age had already said this by now. Weather they meant it or not was another story, it didn't really matter but now, now it was her turn. She'd put it off for almost an entire year, fearing that if she had said it sooner, she would be adding another name to a nonexistent list of friends who'd abandoned her. That however, is a story for another time.

     People these days took the word 'love'd all it stands for, for granted these days. Robinne forever hears people tell their boyfriends, girlfriends and other variants of significant others, that they love them. How many she wondered, actually meant it. We've all seen school relationships play out in movies, tv shows and here in the real world, with only a few those real world school relationships actually making it the whole way.

     She hadn't been as fortunate as some, she'd never had a secondary/high school relationship. Why was beyond her, as even those who were bullied for being 'fat' or 'ugly' still managed to find someone to love them, except for her. So when the opportunity came up where she'd get to tell someone her feelings, she wanted to be certain that when she did say it, it would actually mean something.

     Sitting cross-legged in the centre of her bed, Robinne held onto her phone as if it were her only lifeline to reality. In a way, it was. Taking a deep breath, she pulled up the conversation she was having with her friend of almost a year, Christian. They'd met on Facebook, not unlike most people these days. A friend of hers had introduced her to him, saying he was looking for new friends. She didn't decline, as she herself was also looking for new friends. Her friend/sister in the States had just secured her first boyfriend, so all her attention had shifted to him, rightly so, so she'd been left without anyone to talk to regularly.

     They were introduced through a Facebook group where we were all fans of the Fifty Shades franchise. Having clicked straight away, or at least she thought so, they'd spent the last year getting to one another outside of Facebook, soon messaging one another most days than not.

     From the very first day they'd 'met', Robinne knew he was the one. Some knew someone was 'the one' from a touch of the hand, when their eyes first meet, or even by the sound of the person's voice. Her way of knowing he was the one was unconventional, yes. It didn't make it any less valid a reason to know. The moment he'd sent her the first message, something within her soul clicked with his. Nothing inside of her knew if he felt the same way. In fact, it was extremely unlikely. Nonetheless, she'd kept how she felt from day one, and every day since, locked away not telling a soul. She'd grown so fond of him, admired adored him, that she couldn't see life without him.

     She was well aware that it was totally cliché, but she didn't care. Today would be the day she told him how she felt, praying that he wouldn't totally freak out and out and want nothing to do with her.

    Please God, let this go well. Please!

     Glancing down at her phone, she read his latest reply.

         

         Christian: No, there is no one I currently like. What about you? Is there

          anyone you love?

     Robinne and Christian were talking about their ideal people, what they liked in a person and other such things of the like. By now, Christian knew that she hadn't had a boyfriend yet, but he didn't know exactly everything about her situation.

     Taking a deep breath once more, she decided to take the plunge. It was now or never.

          Robinne: Yeah, there might be somebody. But he doesn't know that I like him.

         

         Christian: Who is it? Do I know him?

          Robinne: Hmm, yes. You might. You might know him more than you know.

          Christian: Who.Is.It!?

     Gulping, she typed her reply that would seal her fate, or cement it.

          Robinne: It's you.

     Minutes literally ticked by, and not so much as a peep out of Christian. Her worst fears were slowly being confirmed. Everything inside of her was screaming that it was a bad idea from the beginning, yet she still went through with it anyway. Who confesses to a long-distance friend of almost a year through iMessage? Only stupid people obviously, going by how this was going.

     It was silly to be worrying about something so small as someone's reaction to something, especially when you don't know what's happening on the other end, but here she was. Worrying. Her hands shook fiercely, something she wasn't used to. Her hands never shook unless her blood sugar dropped. She hated having shaky hands.

     Several more minutes passed by with still no word from Christian. Robinne's level of worry kicked up so much that if there was a meter reading it, she would've broken it. What was taking him so long to respond? Surely a guy knew if he did or didn't like a girl (or guy) when they confessed to them? She'd give anything for a reply right now, anything to put herself out of this state of worry.

     "I...I've ruined everything." she whispered to herself.

     Relaxing the grip on her phone, she let it fall to the bed without a care where it ended up. It was the least of her cares right this moment. She'd risked all, and lost.

     You're such a fool Robinne, you're such a stupid...stupid fool.

     Not bothering to change into her bed clothes, she flopped down sideways onto the bed, curled up and sobbing her heart out. For the first time in her twenty years, Robinne cried herself to sleep, finding solace only in slumber.

     Opening her eyes the next day, albeit regrettably, she was more than surprised to see a message waiting for her when she reached for her phone. It was from Christian.

          Christian: Good morning beautiful, I hope you slept well. I've got a busy

          day today at work. I'll message you when I'm free. Have a nice day!

     She stared at her phone not quite believing what she was seeing. Granted she didn't expect to find any message from him at all, not after she dropped the doozy of all bombs on him last night, she never expected such a normal, relaxed answer from him.

    Deciding not to press the subject of last night upon him again today, she waited until he was free later on, for her to continue speaking to him.

     To her, the value of their friendship was way more important than her bringing up the subject of her feelings for him. On that note, she never brought up the subject again. For the next two and a half years, neither of them mentioned the night of her confession ever again. Their friendship carried on as if nothing had even happened.

     It might have meant nothing at all to Christian. He might have forgotten about it, or even had a good laugh at the desperate English girl, but she never did.

     Every day for the next two and a half years, she never forgot that night. Did she wish she never had mentioned it at all? Possibly. Would she always love him, even if he never loved her back? Oh yes. If she was to remain his friend for as long as he wanted to keep her, as she didn't have the best luck with friends, she would take it.

     Anything was better than nothing.

    After all, some of us aren't meant to be loved.