I think I'm actually truly becoming depressed and I don't know how to stop. Before I was just trying to be cool, but for almost a year I've felt myself slipping, thinking horrible thoughts about my loved ones that I know they wouldn't think about me, and crying on and off for no reason. I'm not one to cry easily- I've sat through almost 6 funerals without shedding a single tear. And yet, here I've been lately, crying as if I'm watching the world fall apart around me while powerless to stop it.
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There is a feeling.
A feeling of loss, of guilt. One the holder cannot understand or wish to replace with anything but more loss.
It starts with guilt, and it broadens, and deepens. Soon, words don't become assuring. All you can think is, 'I'm a burden. I'm a selfish pig. I do not belong in the position I carry.. how do I return to the old me?'
And you can't return to the old you. The more you cry over how selfish you think you are, the more selfish and burdensome you become. Soon, you dread you will become what you fear most, and it becomes one big ruthless cycle.
I know not where the emotions I've described stem from, or how to get rid of them. Fight against it? Yes, I could try, but fighting against it only seems to strengthen them. I have an urge to stop fighting and to retreat inside myself completely, to cut off everyone I love to make life easier for them. I am tired of fighting to be noticed, fighting to be a pleasure to be around. Instead of being a pleasure to be around I become confusing and strange and I make everyone uncomfortable.
How do I make this stop? How did I end up like this? I have no clue. I cannot tell you when these thoughts started, or how I can make them end.
Is it my friends? Quite possibly. Maybe they make me afraid to be myself, despite my inner knowing that they are the few 'real' kids I've found in this world.
Is it my family? No. Despite being so judgemental and hateful toward me, their love has surrounded me and will continue to surround me in the years to come. They don't make me feel like a burden. They love seeing me, and talking to me.
Is it.. my girlfriend?
Certainly not. She is almost like my family, but she doesn't judge me for who I am. She loves me and encourages me and tries to help me through this. Only her and my friends know about.. my unfeeling. No, no, actually, only she knows about the unfeeling. My friends have just learned my emotions, how I feel about myself, why I feel selfish and strange.
So I guess it's me.
I am doing this to myself, somehow, and that makes me the worst of all. I am the selfish one, just like I predicted. Here, I have narrowed down the possibilities, and all of them come out the same- I have friends, family, and a lover who care about me and want the best for me, and yet I cannot be happy. I continue to feel burdensome and tiring despite their best efforts to show me how loved I am.
My other question- why is this happening? I am not one of the ones seeking attention. I worried, at first, that I could be making this up. But I'm not. This is real, and every time I try to do something about it I only feel worse. I wouldn't say there are voices in my head- I'm not crazy- but there's only one, and it seems to have turned against me.
For now I will continue to fight, and suffer, and love. Maybe some of the people in my life WILL grow tired of me. But all I can do is pray that they don't, and that this lament will bring me closer.
