Tranny (FtM Journal)

Coming Out

So I can't really come out as transgender to my family since I've already done it twice. I was twelve the first time I did it, I came out to my friends first, then my therapist (at the time) and then my mom. My therapist (at the time) had known the whole time, none of my friends were shocked and it was easy for most of them to switch pronouns and names for me. My family was a different story. My mom was in shock, slightly horrified and very confused. She thought the name I had picked for myself was ugly, she knew my dad would hate this, she couldn't switch pronouns or names, she felt guilty for making me do feminine things but wasn't quite sure how to help me with my own fragile masculinity. Shit hit the fan when she told my dad, he didn't say anything to me besides "cut the bullshit". I had pissed him off. We never talked about it, he thought calling me pretty and beautiful would make me realize that I was a girl. I'm not. It made me feel terrible. My dad, for some reason, thought that that had worked. I was magically a girl again. When I entered an outpatient facility and people called me by a man's name, my dad got pissed off. He screamed and threw a fit. He told my therapist there that he was going to beat his ass and murder him in front of everybody if he ever called me a male again. I told my dad I was a man, my father (a recovered alcoholic) threatened to start drinking and divorce my mother if I kept "acting out like this". I can't be myself at home, it'll ruin my family. My dad has gotten more religious in the past year and with that came more homophobia and more transphobia. He's going to hate me when I'm able to leave and finally be me, be James. I'm ready for him to cut me out of his life, it's going to be hard because I love him but it's for the best.