Your Mark on Me

Croassroad (part 2)

Mark cleared his throat. "Yes. About that."

"Mmm?"

I sat on the edge of the bed, suddenly tense. Mark fidgeted, then clasped his hands together, his thumbs tapping and rubbing each other. "I'm actually leaving in the morning. I've booked another flight."

I left out a long exhale, followed by a deep, slow inhale, and exhaled again, trying to calm myself down.

"I'm sorry. This is why I came, to let you know. I didn't want to leave without a goodbye this time; thought you deserved that much."

I turned around so he wouldn't see my eyes well up. "So I deserve better than a letter, now that you fucked me?"

"Look at me." He cupped my cheeks, forcing me to face him. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't want to be this guy."

"You mean, the guy who fucks me and then leaves?"

"Jesus Christ, stop saying that! I'm already feeling terrible."

"Poor you," I huffed.

He sighed again, then let go of me.

"Do you not realize how ridiculous the situation is? I have to whisper so I won't get caught by your mother! If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd be sneaking through the window in the room of a high school girl, when I finished high school before she was born, I would have called them insane. Do you not see how messed up this is? What do you even see in me, anyway?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but he didn't let me.

"Does it flatter you that an older man is interested in you? Maybe you like the places I take you to? Or the fact that I have a nice car to drive you around? If I really wanted to be with you, would you not think that I was a creep? And maybe not now, but in a few years time, when you look back at it? How do you know you won't regret it?"

"But if we don't, how do you know we won't regret it?" I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started weeping silently. When he looked at me, for a second, I thought he'd get teary too, but no. He just let out a sharp exhale of frustration.

"I didn't mean to... Bloody hell, I shouldn't have come. There are so many damned things I shouldn't have done!"

I knew I should have been mad at him, but I couldn't stand the pain in his voice. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him tight. After a little while, he hugged me back, and we stayed like that for a bit, until I broke the silence.

"Mark, I would never, ever think badly of you. You have no idea how much I look up to you. You know, I've been reading so much just to have things to talk to you about. I've been practicing so hard just so that, someday, I'd become someone you'd be proud to have by your side. You're so confident, and so talented, and so cultured, and so good at so many things. This is what I see in you. And I think that... maybe you don't love yourself as much as you should. But I know I do. And I want us to be better, together. You've always encouraged me; I want to do the same for you. I don't care about your past or the flaws you think you have. The Mark I know is thoughtful and kind, and he insists on doing the right thing even when it's hard. I know you think that you failed now, but have you thought that maybe this time the right thing was what you thought wrong? Unless you really don't feel what I feel, and you really believe that we can't make each other happy, in which case it's fine if you go. I understand, and I won't hold it against you."

Mark slowly pulled away from the hug, to look at me. "You truly are special, aren't you? I'm not insane." His eyes were only a little bit glassy, but I knew that he, who controlled his emotions so well, was touched.