My Voice

for A, and me, if I'm being honest

I find it ridiculous, 

in the bitter kind of way, 

that after my conversation about 

the inevitability of other's deaths, 

about the grief I would feel, 

you would die. 

I don't have a right to write this,

 I don't have a right to 

be in so much pain,

 we were only sort of friends. 

I was much too afraid of you, 

felt too undeserving of 

your friendship, only because 

I held the highest opinion of you. 

And meanwhile, there are those who 

considered you family, who had known you 

so well at some point in their life and 

now they have an empty space. 

And they suffer and cry, for 

something that should not have happened, 

and 

I am angry 

and sad because 

you deserved a full life. 

And it was taken from you 

at a time meant to be 

filled with cheer and fun. 

And I can't look anyone in the eye, 

because the tears would swell 

and I'm sure they'd hate me for that because, 

as I have said, I only barely touch the grief 

they must be feeling. 

And I hate how they apologize, 

as if there was something they could 

or it was their fault. 

And I hate that the sun rose the same as everyday. 

It should stop, it should take a moment to 

pay respects, to cry, for the people we lost.