Tweaker

xvi. visiting benji

xvi. visiting benji

     "I don't want to see him," I whispered, looking down at my hands before Preston had the chance to walk out of the room.  Both Finn and Pres looked at me, surprised by what I had said, and at that moment, I knew neither of them understood why, though the circumstances should've explained themselves.  Swallowing hard, I finally worked up the courage to stare Finn in the eyes. 

     "Why not?"

     "Because, Finn," I murmured, "I'm on a detox.  I did meth, again.  I'm not stable like he is . . .  I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know if I can handle seeing him like that.  At least . . . just not right now, okay?" 

     "Well, you're fucked then," Finn said, standing with a smug grin on his face.

     "Finn," I began, but I didn't get any further than that with what I was saying. 

     "Greyson, you're coming to see Benji because neither Preston or myself will leave you home alone by yourself.  You need to get better and if this is what's going to push you to, regardless of how much you want or don't want it, you're going to deal with it.  So, get up, get showered and let's go," he ordered me. 

     "Finn, you don't get it.  I can't s-" 

     "Greyson, you don't get it," he mocked me, seemingly amusing himself and Preston, "Because you can see him because you have no choice but to see him, so go get ready so you can see him." 

     "How do you even know he wants to see me?"

     "He wants to see you," Preston reassured me, "He wants to see all of us."

     "He didn't tell you that," I muttered.  I could see right through Preston; I could see through all the boys, but that didn't mean anything right now.  I knew what I was doing; I was trying to get out of seeing him by saying he didn't want to see me, because I didn't know how I would handle seeing him in a hospital bed. 

     "I know my brother." 

     Preston left the room then and Finn stood, stretching and then he stripped off his clothes and changed.  It's not like I had never seen Finn naked before, because I had plenty of times.  In fact, I'd lost count of how many times we'd seen each other naked that it just wasn't a big deal anymore, but right now, I couldn't do that.  He was coaxing me to get up and to go shower, but I didn't want him to see me unclothed, because I knew how bad my bones were protruding and I knew what he'd do: he'd stare, he'd freeze up, he'd look into my eyes and then we'd both break down. 

     We couldn't afford that right now; we didn't have that kind of time. 

     "Shower." 

     "Finn, please . . . "

     "Please what?  Please don't make you do this?"  He asked, clearing growing irritated with my unnerving, upset state.  I knew what I was doing; I knew I was just going to end up hurting all three of my best friends if I didn't go see Benji today, but something was screaming at me that this isn't what I could do right now.  Something inside was pulling me to pieces just thinking about Benji and what could happen. 

     "Greyson, get off your bony ass and get in that shower before I force you in that shower and wash you up myself.  I don't care how much you think you can't do this.  I don't care how much it fucking hurts, okay?"  He snapped, causing me to swallow hard, "I know that's shitty of me but you know what?  You need this right now, as much as you think you don't.  You need to see him so someone can fucking show you what we see when we look at you.  You need to know how much it fucking hurts Preston and Benji and me to see you like this, do you understand me?"