° ᴛᴜɴɴᴇʟ ᴠɪsɪᴏɴ ° || ʏᴏᴏɴᴍɪɴ sʜᴏʀᴛ sᴛᴏʀʏ ✔️

°seven°

Things weren't the same after Sungha died--because as soon as she left, a huge, distinct gap was set into motion, and I greatly feared it would go on to push Yoongi further...and further away. Of course, I hadn't expected him to come to school the next day--and he didn't--but having predicted his absence certainly didn't alleviate the pain I felt. I hardly knew Sungha, and I believe...that was one of the worst parts of the entire situation.

I wasn't given the chance to get to know the most valued person in Yoongi's life before she slipped between our fingers like the breath of an ephemeral flower.

I wasn't able to smile with the lingering memory of Yoongi in his most vulnerable state plaguing my mind, and the hospital scene playing over and over and over again. I had seen him cry. I had held him through it all, silently pleading that he could hear the words I couldn't bring myself to say. I had hoped that my presence was enough...and that was the sole purpose of that brief message I placed in Yoongi's hands. But it was painful for me, for all the while I was convinced of myself being inadequate for him, that right then and there, he had wished...I were her.

I couldn't help but wonder how he was holding out--at home, all alone, no doubt, desperately attempting to keep himself together. Or perhaps, he wasn't trying. Maybe he simply wanted to let himself go until the heartache transformed into numbness. Whatever the case, my mind was suffering a great deal as a result, and it affected my outward behavior throughout the entirety of the day.

Setback number one: my demeanor during class. Typically, I could pay attention in most of my classes to a considerable degree, at least adequately enough to win myself passing grades. But I couldn't help it. My thoughts had taken the liberty of morphing themselves into a jigsaw puzzle, and having only received roughly three hours of sleep the previous night, I was much too physically and mentally exhausted to put them back together in their proper order.

Setback number two: my attitude towards classmates. I've said this before, how on a regular basis, I liked to maintain a steady, optimistic attitude, and there were a number of reasons for that. But I couldn't smile today. Several times I had felt both Jungkook and Hoseok thoroughly eyeing me like some sort of computer scanner, but no matter how many times they restarted their systems, the results were always the same. 'Little Miss Sunshine' had become enveloped by storm clouds.

Setback number three: my performance in basketball practice. Yoongi had come to see only one of our practice games, but somehow the gymnasium felt unbearably empty without him. And on that day, for the very first time since middle school, my captain ordered me to abandon my position on the court and bench myself. It wasn't humiliating as it should have been. I was too distracted to be humiliated. Seventeen years of life, and anxiety struck me now. I was aware that my friends' levels of concern were increasing steadily, and believe me when I say that took its toll on my stability, too. I could only hope they would understand...that they would forgive me.

Hoseok and Jungkook knew, to a certain extent. After all, they had witnessed the very start of it. They saw how impetuously I had rushed out of the classroom after Yoongi, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd heard me shouting his name, either. But they weren't like me. They weren't stupid enough to push past every single existing boundary just for the sake of "reading the next chapter." Those two drew a line somewhere; and as for Seokjin, I wasn't quite sure what had been going on his mind, but he, too, had decided on his own to wait things out. He trusted me.

"You gonna be able to get home by yourself?"

I didn't bother to make eye contact with Jungkook. "Yeah. I'll manage."

"Turn off your electronics at 9 tonight," Hoseok remarked in a lecturing tone, which contradicted his usual demeanor. "I'm not tryna sound like your mom or anything, but really, man." He stepped closer to me and tugged at the dark circles beneath my eyes with his thumbs. "Lookin' like a Halloween decoration. Even rays of sunshine like you and me need their rest, you know."