Last I Saw You

FIFTEEN|ERIC

Toby stood on the porch steps, glaring at Eli, daring him to say anything out of line and simultaneously sending me worried glances. Why did he always have to ruin everything? Why couldn't Eli see that not everything was about him? Why couldn't mom stop indulging his behavior? Sometimes I wonder if she's too blind or chooses not to see all the bruises or the newest hole in our wall or the beer cans he leaves on the coffee table. She didn't see Eli for who he was now- she saw him only as Elijah, her poor baby.

I didn't even get all the way off the last step before I felt his grip on my arm as he growled, "C'mon."

"Eric you don't have to listen to him, " Toby said, coming forward to tap my shoulder but thinking better of it when he saw Eli's glare. Frowning at me Toby took a step back. "Just come back inside. We could watch some of those cheesy rom coms on Bridget's lap top. We could even pop some popcorn."

"Toby I can't... You know I can't," my voice cracked.

"If this is about your mom, then we can go with you to check on her, but you don't have to go with him. Eric please."

If I didn't go back there was no telling what Eli would do. He used to be predictable but ever since mom's condition has been all over the place he's been more irritable. If I didn't go he'd take his anger out on someone else. He cared about mom too much to hurt her, but Tiffany and Carson... He must care about them otherwise they wouldn't be living with us, but then again I'm his flesh and blood and mom still refuses to see what he does to me.

"Toby just trust me, I can handle myself," I whispered. I wanted to kiss him goodbye again cause a small part of me knew I wouldn't see him, see him for a while. We could check on each other at school and maybe at my job but that was it. They were the only safe places I had left besides his bedroom.

And of course I ended up crying. I didn't wanna leave him. Not like this. It's not fair. Eli gets to do whatever he wants but the moment I grab hold of even a sliver of happiness he takes that away from me too.

I keep thinking about that last kiss Toby and I shared as Eli dragged me by my arm to the house. We lived only a few blocks away so I didn't get to hold on to it for long.

Eli opened the door and practically threw me through it. He was angry. Why? Why did he have to be so angry all the time? Why did he care if I went around kissing boys that I liked?

I sat there on the floor, limp. I already knew that the punch was coming but it didn't make it hurt any less. I'd have a sunset of bruises smattered across my back and chest come morning.

Grabbing a fist-full of my shirt Eli hauled me up on to my feet before slamming me into a wall. Carson started to cry from somewhere in the back room. I could hear Tiffany trying to shush him over the sounds of my own heartbeat. Then Eli's fist connected with my cheek.

He kept asking me why I did it? What, did I like boys now? So I'm a fag now? Did I know what people would say about me? About him? How momma would feel?

He left me lying on the floor after a while and the nerve to get mad at e for just laying there.

"Get the fuck up," he barked, glazed eyes watching me from where he stood in the hall. "I said get up. Do you want me to help you?"

Shaking my head no I got up off the ground, clutching my ribs. Everything hurt so much it just felt numb. I felt numb. I was beyond throwing beer bottles at wall kind of frustration but full on brawls, the one sided kind that ended with Eli using me as a punching bag.

As I shuffled toward my room Tiffany peeked out the door at us. She looked like she wanted to say something, maybe even help. I was glad to see her retreat back into the room at Eli's stern gaze. She was smart.

I didn't want her to get in trouble for helping me. She didn't need that.

I locked the door to my room behind me before collapsing on the bottom bunk of my bunk bed. Eli used to sleep above me before the guest bedroom was made into his own room after dad died and he started acting out. Mom said it was cause he was a teenager and that meant he needed all the space he could get, but I knew it was cause she wanted to take away any reason for him to get mad at me by separating us. That was the best thing to ever happen to me.

When school started back next week there was no way I'd be going. I needed time and space to heal. What I need most right now though was sleep and lots of it but I couldn't sleep like this.

"Eric?" I heard my mom's voice. "Eric baby come here."

Easing up and out of bed I followed mom's voice to Eli's old room. She was lying under her large grey comforter, lifting it up to make space for me to lay beside her.

"I'm here, mom," I said, sliding into bed beside her.

Sighing she let the cover fall onto my shoulder. "I sent him to get you..."

"It's not your fault momma," I whispered, shifting to pull the covers up to my chin.

"What was he talking about? He called you all out your name. Why was he so angry?"

"He saw... He was mad cause he saw me- he saw me kissing Toby."

Mom grew quiet. I know how she feels about that kind of thing. Back when she made an effort to keep in contact with her friends I'd hear them talking. I remember the thinks they said. They weren't good.

"So you're gay?" she asked, reaching forward to pull me into a hug.

"Yeah," I said, leaning into her. "I'm gay. I wanted to tell you but well, you see how that worked out... Are you mad at me?"

"Am I mad at you? Eric, baby I could never be mad at you. I mean... I don't like hearing it but as your mother my job is to make sure you're happy. Are you happy? Does he make you happy?"

"Who?"

Smacking her lips Mom snorted. "Toby. Who else?"

"Oh. Well, yeah. He was my first kiss too. Yeah... he makes me happy. When we play games together he always let's me sit in his lap. When we watch TV he let's me hold him. He says he wants to take me on a date too. We haven't been able to do that yet but I really want to. I really like him, momma, I do."

I know in her she's thinking that I'll go to hell for what I'm doing. She's Christian and prays every night that her curse be lifted before going to bed. I would never take that away from her.  From the way she seems to hum I can tell she's smiling. She's happy for me.

"I knew you were hiding something," she whispered into my hair, fingers getting caught in my curls. "You hid it pretty well but I knew you were hiding something. A mother always knows. I'm glad your happy."

"Thanks," I said curling up.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"I dunno, just thanks for being there. For letting me come in here and sleep with you. Just, I love you momma."

"Love you too. Goodnight."

"Night."

A/N: Here come the waterworks. I hate myself for all of this like, why tf am I such an asshole to my characters.