I wasn't sure where anything would go with us. We were friends and I was so infatuated with him that I didn't care if it never went anywhere. We continued to talk but so did his ex girlfriend and me. She kept texting me and reaching out to me, asking if I had for her to come over just to talk to me about how hard her life was. And how badly he broke her, what an awful guy he was. How he never would feel love in his life again. Really just shredding him.
She tried to continue to talk me into this game she wanted me to play on him. What she didn't realize is the more she talked about him the more I started to like him. Which wasn't the way this crush I had was supposed to go. She kept talking and talking and I kept on falling which seemed so impossible because I still had barely talked to him and I had all these thoughts about him and all these things I learned from his ex that I had to keep a secret from him.
It was hard because when I would talk to him I would be looking at him from a different level. He barely knew who I was at this point. I felt like I wasn't as involved as I should have been because I knew everything there was to know about him so I didn't need to ask questions about him, and he was trying to reach out and for the first little while I just wasn't there like he was. He knew I was talking to her but he knew that the friendship we had was very one sided but he had no idea what we talked about.
It got to a point where I was literally their middle man. She would text me and he would tell me what to reply to her. And in that moment I didn't know that I was being treated so awfully because he was giving me so much attention and I was starting to thrive on it. So one day I stopped talking to her. I was talking to my best friend ( Natalie which is probably the only name I will mention in this book. ) and she opened my eyes to what was really going on. So I was done with her. I realized that I was using her to get to know things about him just as much as she was using me to get to him.
It was all a really messed up cycle. And because I was trying to be a bigger person ( and I really wanted him to like me back ) that I didn't need her. We had a school orchestra tour coming up and I knew if I played my cards right I could see if he liked me. But it wasn't for a while and a lot can happen in a couple of weeks. I knew he was still 'dating' this other girl and we were just friends but we would be together in a different state for a week and he wouldn't be with this girl he wouldn't be talking to his ex and I knew if anything were to happen with us then this would be the only shot I could take with out having girls trying to be there too. I knew that I was being selfish with taking it this way but what can you do with a girl who was head over heels with a guy she barely knew ?
The weeks passed quickly and we only started to talk more. I started to see a different side of him that his ex never told me. But that didn't surprise me she didn't want me to see any good in him because she wanted me to dehumanize him in order to make the game easier. But everything I was learning about him was in complete contrast to everything she told me. So I became involved we talked about everything. I got to know the real him. But then this girl he was talking to right after the break up came back into his picture. And his ex girlfriend came back into mine. And all of the sudden we weren't as close. We had almost 2 weeks where it was just us but there was a school dance (she went to a different school) and she came back.
At first I didn't know what to do. I was sad that he was still interested in her. I felt like everything was a lie and didn't know if he was trying to just be friends or everything that had happened ( which wasn't that much ) was him just being a guy. Or maybe his ex had talked to him about me and wanted him to do the same thing she had tried to set me up for. So I started to cut him off. I wasn't as involved I didn't reply to every text he sent me. I was so confused. And I had gotten this call from his ex a couple times and I just had no idea what I wanted to do besides him.
If I am being honest.
A little too honest.
I tried to still be happy around him and would still talk to him but I just wasn't sure how to act I wanted to respect that he was with another girl but the feeling I had whenever I was around him. How my stomach would flip every time he said my name. Or the butterflies I would feel when he smiled or laughed. The sensation that would flood through me whenever he said something flirty or would wink at me from across the room. I didn't know how to handle myself around him. My feelings were completely out of my control at this point. And from the feelings I was getting from he, he was too.
Our tour was still a couple of weeks away and I was still confused. I still wasn't to his ex which was good but he was still with that other girl he was seeing and even though it was absolutely none of my business I decided to ask him about her. Which somehow happened to be the night that his ex girlfriend called me after we had our conversation about his girl. He told me he wasn't sure what they were or if he wanted to become anything serious. Which made me so happy because that meant I still had a chance with this guy and maybe, just maybe, we could actually be something and I could focus all these feelings I had about him somewhere else, like at him, instead of keeping everything bottled up and continuing to wish my chances with him away.
We talked for a couple hours and I tried to understand everything. He told me she was a nice girl but his parents didn't like her and that is what happened with his last ex and he didn't want to go through all of that again. And from past things that I had gone through I knew all about having parents who didn't like a partner you had as so we talked about that and how he dealt with his parents not liking his girlfriend. He opened up in a way that made me feel like this could happen. I know this is totally cliche but you know how everyone says stuff about that feeling you get when you see their name pop up in your notifications; that was the feeling I got every time. I started literally screaming whenever he would reply.
His ex called me after we stopped talking, she asked to call me around 2 am and we were on the phone for about 2 hours, I stopped her because even though she was graduated I still had school. We talked about him and how he hurt her,AGAIN, and how badly she was hurt and how her life was over. How she dropped out of college because she couldn't handle being more than an hour away from him. They didn't see each other enough to justify her staying at an amazing college helping her figure out and plan her whole future because of a guy that she dated.
We only had 2 weeks till we left and it was at this point that I stopped my contact with his ex and came completely honest with him telling him that I knew so much about him from his ex and then proceeded to repeat everything that she had told me about him all the awful things and the few good things she had told me, everything about his past that I knew about him.
He called me and told me what was true and what she had twisted. She had turned around so much about him that at this point I had already liked him even with everything that she had said to me as he was telling me everything the way he wanted me to think whether or not it was true I don't know. But how he was trying to change the way I felt about him and seeing him go through this even though he didn't have to made me feel so special and like maybe this could work. Every conversation we had felt like a step closer to us being a thing.
I was over the moon.
