Fallen Dreams

Chapter one.

Pilot.

                                                              Chapter one.

   The sound of muffled cries fill the room. I open my eyes and look around my darkened room. I don't see anything besides my pile of clothes on my chair that happen to freak me out at first and my clock reading 2am. I conclude that it was the reoccurring dream I have had for months on end. I snuggle myself up and go back to sleep hoping I get enough of it.

I awoke to the blazing sun gazing into my window which I neglected to close shut last night. I growled looking at the time. It read 7am and I growled once again realizing I didn't get the sleep I was hoping for.

"I don't even wake up this early for work", I spoke to myself.

I rolled over deeper into my bed pulling my covers well above over my head. Annoyed at myself for being lazy and not shutting the blinds closed I grabbed my phone next to my pillow.

After what seems to be five minutes I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, as I do every morning. I look in the mirror disgusted. I really look like a hot mess. It looks like I also neglected the shower I told myself I was going to take last night.

I sigh and head to turn on my shower, making it as heated as it can be. I lazily take off my clothes still drowsy from waking up at an unbearable time.

Making my way into the shower a rush of relief blasted through me. The hot rays of water cascading down my back, a feeling of sensation moving through my whole body. If there was anything I loved, it was taking showers. They're so therapeutic and relaxing. Preferably hotter than what the average person would deem possible.

I cover my ears and close my eyes letting the sound of the water take over. The soothing sound of the water relaxing every bone in my body, sending shivers down my spine.

I take a deep breath and then open my eyes feeling less anxious then I was before stepping into the shower.

My therapist helped me use my love for showers as a coping mechanism for my anxiety disorder and depression. It became too overwhelming for me after not seeking any help for so long. I decided it was best for me to get some help before it was too late.

My mental health has really taken a toll on me this pass year. I have always struggled with anxiety but the depression, well that's a new one for me.

I get very lonely due to the fact that I'm not that close to my family. It never dawned on me how bad it was until I didn't miss them anymore. It kind of just stopped out of nowhere.

At first I thought It was my fault and I began to get anxious, as I usually do. I tend to always overthink things more than they have to be. But then I realized that it wasn't really my fault because communication is a two way street.

I never realized how sad my life had become until my phone alerted me of the memories I had made a year ago. I would be smiling, hanging out with friends an it actually looked like a genuine smile. I would get dressed up and go out dancing staying out all night 'till the sun came out.

Then that's when everything hit me. That wasn't who I am anymore. I am not the same outgoing and lovable person I was a year ago. Hell I'm not even the same person I was yesterday.

I guess the only person to blame here is me. I am a pathetic person and cannot be loved by a single soul. I cannot be saved from the agony I call a life. I deserve everything I get because I am simply not enough nor will I ever be.

The only good thing I have in my life right now is my best friend Bryce. He and I have been friends since the 7th grade. He has been my rock for everything and I know its a cliche thing to say but he really does know me better than I know myself.

Bryce texted me after I got out my glorious shower to say he was coming over with a surprise which he knows I hate them. Just because I hate them doesn't make him stop doing them for me.

I never get dressed because all I do is stay at home anyways but whenever Bryce comes over he always makes me get out of the house. He says I need the sunlight to make me feel good. I suppose he's right since the sun has vitamins or whatever from it.

Searching through my closet of clothes, which shocker to all is a lot because I hate shopping now. I decided on some medium washed jeans and a yellow shirt that says "Institute for lost souls". The irony is mesmerizing causing me to laugh. Weird how a laugh seems so foreign to me.

Back when I got out and explored the world I was a photographer. A pretty good one according to Bryce. I loved to take pictures of the atmosphere around me. It made me see people in a different light. I always loved off guard pictures because there is always beauty from the imperfections of things.

Its kind of ironic I say that because I hate myself. I hate my imperfections and everything about them makes me want to die. As soon as I realized this I stopped taking those pictures and started analyzing the ones of myself. I would stare at my pictures for hours hating the way I looked and dreaded people looking at them. I was my worst enemy. Correction, I am my worst enemy.

Hating yourself the most in the world is the biggest battle I face every single day of my life. I have to face myself before I can face anyone else and at this point why even try? Why fight a battle you know you can't win?

I will tell you why, but today is not the day because to be honest I do not see the point in fighting it. Maybe one day I will know but at the moment there's nothing to fight for.