A Letter to My Lost Self

Hey,

It's been a long time. How have you been without me? It seems you are totally fine. Is it just me who is not fine? It's true that I have left you behind just to keep up with the flow of life... But, since then I have been regretting every second, that one decision I made. It's true that I have conquered many milestones, it's true that I have accomplished a lot... but I wanted you to know that, the smile on my face is just a meaningless curve. When I ignored you and ran away, I never realized that it was not just you that was left behind... but also my dreams that I've treasured, my moments that I've cherished and above all my true self that reflected my identity. As time passed without any delay, I have been faking a lot just to hide the fact that I missed my true self. Without all the achievements I have now, without crossing all the milestones past then, I was happy just being myself. My smile was genuine and sincere. I realized I had a bright smile even in darkness to accompany me. But now all I could see is a dark shadow that hides my face from happiness.

There were times I envied people who held on to their true self and dreams despite of the hard times life gifted them. I realized how cowardly I was to leave you behind, just because I thought that's how I could move forward. I shouldn't have lend my ears to others totally, instead should have given you a chance... Just once, to listen to what you had to say. It hurts to think of the chances I missed. Every second is a painful moment with the regrets following me in every step I take. How I wish I could go back to that moment just to correct the mistake I have committed. There were times I wanted to cry out loud. There were times when the sleepless nights were a torture. There were times I wanted to hide from the entire world. Even the comforting words weighed heavy for my heart. I kept faking myself with those meaningless curves on my face just to fool the people around me. They thought I was the happiest person, smiling always. But I was the only one who knew that behind those curves were my intense emotions pressured to get released somewhere unseen. Holding back my tears was the toughest since my tears never listened to me at times. My heart has been so weak that a slight wave of emotion could leave a scar that's hard to cure.

Still I don't know whom should I blame. Myself for the decision I made? Or my life for the hardships I've gone through? Am not sure... all I know is I keep searching for you... my true self... just to go back to those days. I have heard of second chances but, is there a second chance for me? If no, am not surprised. Because, fate is something that has never been on my side since the start. Though it's hard, I have to accept that everything will be a passing memory for me. Though am scattered like the broken pieces of a crystal, though am stuck at the time of my fall I will keep searching till I find you. Though I hate the world for the way it turned me out to be, though I could do nothing about the past I wish you to know that I miss you... I miss being myself. Every starry night when I look up I wish if I could smile brightly like those stars. Every night when I close my eyes I wish I could hold on to my dreams I left behind. Every time I see my face in the mirror I wish I could remove those shadows of regrets that hide me.

For a second chance am not sure how long I have to wait if any. But I promise you that I will never leave you behind any more. I will hold on to my dreams more tightly than before. I will never let those moments to pass like a memory. I will never let any regrets to shadow me. Till then I wish I could be strong enough to wander around searching for you and I hope you will keep waiting for me to find you...

Till we meet again... waiting for the day when the curves on my face turn to be real and sincere ...

With lots of love,

Your incomplete self...